


Arms Unfolding

by ivyrobinsonn



Category: bare: A Pop Opera - Hartmere/Intrabartolo
Genre: Angst with a Happy Ending, Catholic Guilt, Fluff and Angst, I have no idea where this is going, M/M, Other, Peter and Ivy are best friends, and i wish i could say its good, set in junior year and not senior year, this is all self-indulgent
Language: English
Status: In-Progress
Published: 2019-11-05
Updated: 2020-07-30
Packaged: 2021-01-23 08:42:02
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 13
Words: 25,196
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/21317326
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/ivyrobinsonn/pseuds/ivyrobinsonn
Summary: Jason McConnell is in a coma. Ivy Robinson is pregnant. Peter Simmonds feels like the world is collapsing underneath him. Matt Lloyd and Lucas Carter are filled with unnerving amounts of guilt. Everything is so confusing and nobody knows how to react. Set directly after Queen Mab, the kids from St. Cecilia's work together to heal.I'm bad at summaries.
Relationships: Jason McConnell/Peter Simmonds
Comments: 19
Kudos: 63





	1. Guilt

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Hello pals. This is my first published fic! I'm writing it for NaNoWriMo so I can't promise it will be good, lol. Anyways, this story is based right after Jason passes out during the play, the only thing that's different is that it happens in junior year instead of senior year. Enjoy!

It should have been him. It really should have been him. Peter Simmonds sat in the front office as he watched the boy he loved more than anything be carried into an ambulance on a gurney. The world seemed to be crumbling around him. His shoulders shook as he buried his head into his hands. If only he had waited. If only he’d been more patient. If only he’d given Jason a second chance. If only, if only, if only. In a sense, Peter couldn't help but feel like this was all a direct result of his actions. Everything was so loud and Peter could hear all of it. The ear-splitting cry of the sirens and the ticking of the clock. He could hear Ivy crying in the seat next to him and Mr. McConnells hushed whispers to Nadia on the other side of the room.  
“I'm sorry” Ivy whispered to Peter in between sobs. Peter looked at the girl sitting next to him. Her makeup was running down her face and her nose red from blowing it so many times. This wasn't the first time she’d cried today, and it probably wouldn’t be the last. No matter how much Peter looked at her, he couldn't see the little girl who he’d grown up with. The carefree Ivy Robinson that lived two houses down his entire life had been replaced with a girl so lost and confused.  
“This isn't your fault, Ivy” Peter replied, turning his body to face her.  
“Peter... we both know that isn't true” Ivy croaked.  
“Ivy, look at me,” Peter said, taking Ivy’s cold hands, “This isn't your fault. This...this isn't my fault either. Jason was the one who decided to do this. Sure, me and you fucked up, but ultimately, Jason is the one who made the decisions. We are not guiltless, but we aren't at all responsible for what Jason decided to do.”  
Peter paused to wipe the thick mascara tears that dripped down Ivy’s face. She offered the smallest smile that Peter had ever seen.  
“Ivy, I’m going to be honest with you. I know that I’m a shitty friend. I know I spent years hiding that I was with Jason from you. I know that we always swore that there were no secrets between us. I know that I fucked up, Ivy, but what can we do? Our mistakes have been made, and now we reap the consequences. You’re my best friend. You’ve always been my best friend. You were there for me in 2nd grade when Gabby Douglass called me a bitch on the playground. You were there for me when I cried in 4th grade because I had to get glasses and was so self-conscious that I would get bullied. You were there for me when my parents divorced. You were there for me the first night I spent in the dorms when I called you crying because I was so homesick. Ivy, you are the best best friend that I could ask for and I truly don't deserve you.”  
“Peter, this isn't your fault… and I’m not mad at you. You had a really good reason not to tell me you were gay. You weren't the only one keeping secrets either. I just,” she sniffled, “I just wish we could start over.”  
“Me too” Peter choked.  
“I feel like I’m drowning, Peter,” Ivy sobbed.  
“I do too.”  
“What do we do now,” Ivy asked, laying her head on Peter's shoulder.  
“I don't know Ivy, I really don't know. I guess we just have to wait it out here until we hear other news.”  
The sirens get quieter and quieter as the ambulance zooms off. The clock ticking on the wall grows muffled and Nadia says nothing to her father. Peter can't hear anything anymore. He’s drowning.  
✺  
Nadia McConnell hated the smell of hospitals. She couldn’t really place a finger on the reason why all she knew was that she hated it with a passion. The waiting room was deadly quiet. “Friends” or some other evening sitcom was playing on the TV but she wasn't listening. Mr. and Mrs.McConnell sat close to her, her father's hand on her shoulder to comfort her, but she felt anything but comfort.  
The McConnells had never been the greatest at emotionally supporting their children. Their standards were set high, and when their older sister, Liz, had failed to meet those standards, life became a lot harder for Jason and Nadia. When they weren't at school, the McConnell twins were kept busy. Whether it be meeting with an ACT prep tutor or taking a jog around the block, there was never a moment to rest, let alone talk. An idle mind is the devil's playground.  
Nadia always knew there was something Jason wasn't telling her. He was tense. That's the best way she could describe it, tense. He didn't talk as much as he used to, and when he did, it was scripted. It was frustrating. Nadia entrusted Jason with everything, and she knew he had a secret, he just wouldn't tell her. That was one of the unspoken rules of having a twin; no secrets. She was angry at him then, but now she understands.  
She knew two things: she knew that Jason was back in some room getting his stomach pumped and she knew that they’d gotten lucky. It was all luck. Lucky that the ambulance had been close when Matt called 911. Lucky that he was even breathing when they arrived at the hospital. Nadia hoped to God that he would be lucky enough to wake up. Even the thought of having to go on without Jason shook her to her core.  
Thinking back on the past, there was so much that she could have done to have helped prevent this. She wasn't a bad sister by any means, but she also wasn't the greatest. Could have. Those two words tumbled around in Nadia's brain. Could have. She could have been a better sister. She could have supported him. She could have stayed with him that night everything fell apart. There so much that she could have done, and yet she’d done none of it. So here she sits, Plain Jane Fat Ass herself in an uncomfortable plastic hospital chair, shoulders shaking as the unwieldy weight of guilt engulfs her.  
She shakes her father's hand from her shoulder and for the first time in years, Nadia McConnell offers a sincere prayer to God she isn't even sure exists.  
✺  
Lucas prided himself on being a good decision-maker. Making decisions didn’t scare him and he wasn’t a stranger to having to think on his feet. You have to be good at making split-second decisions when you occasionally juul in school bathrooms... or when you are the school's primary drug dealer. He never really found himself regretting his decisions either. After all, the decision was made and the past is in the past.  
All that he can remember is seeing Jason act oddly during the play and then collapse. He doesn't remember getting to the floor to help him or Sister Chantelle pushing him away. He doesn't remember going back to the dressing room. All he knows is that the chance that Jason overdosed on the drugs he sold him was extremely high. Jason could be dead for all he knows, and it's all his fault.  
Lucas prided himself on being a good decision-maker, but in this moment, he couldn't for the life of him decide what to do. One of his best friends might be dead, and Lucas was the one who gave him the drugs. Part of him wanted to run. It wouldn't be hard to just go. The school was in a state of calamity and it wouldn't be hard to slip outside. Who knows what he would do then. Maybe he’d just breathe in the fresh night air and calm himself down enough to make a rational decision. Sure, he was sober for the play, but he’d never felt more out of it. The guilt of knowing that he could have prevented this sat like an elephant on his shoulders.  
The right decision was to tell someone. Lucas knew that. He needed to at least tell someone. But who would he tell? He could tell Peter or Ivy and risk losing some of his best and longest-standing friends. It would be so easy for them to be angry at him. After all, Lucas was just a part of the chain reaction that led Jason to attempt to take his own life.  
This mess could have all been prevented if Lucas had been smart about it. Selling drugs may be against the rules, but there were rules when it came to selling drugs; especially when selling them around a Catholic boarding school. Lucas had a strict policy with how much G you could buy. Kids are stupid and love to chase the rush. Lucas knows that and only sells G in dosages that will get you high but not put you six feet under. When Jason asked for a dose Lucas knew he couldn't handle, he didn’t think twice about giving it to him. Jason wasn’t a stupid kid. Jason was smart enough to know not to take it all at once, or so he thought.  
The right decision was to tell someone, but Lucas couldn't risk it. He couldn’t risk losing his friends. He couldn't risk jail time. Even though everyone at St. Cecilia's would know it was him who sold Jason the drugs, he couldn't make the words come out of his mouth. So Lucas sat in the dressing room in silence as people milled in and out as the knowledge that he could be the reason Jason dies plagues his mind.  
✺  
Bile burned his throat as Matt Lloyd threw up for the third time. He’d heard nothing about Jason’s condition or the cause of his fainting, but Matt was smart enough to know that this was a suicide attempt. Matt and Jason had been friends since 6th grade and seen each other high many times over those years. Jason was high off his ass the entire performance and Matt could tell. He just knew. At first, he was angry. God, Jason ruined everything. Matt’s class rank. Matt’s lead role. Matt’s chance with Ivy. Jason had taken it all. Jason had ruined everything for Matt and the one night Matt could shine just a little bit, Jason decides to show up high and fuck up the whole thing. It wasn't until about fifteen minutes in when it all clicked for Matt. Jason wouldn't show up high to a show his parents had front row tickets too. Jason wasn't stupid enough to do that, and Matt shouldn't have been stupid enough to assume he would. Before Matt could tell anyone what he suspected was going on, Jason was on the floor and Ivy was yelling for help.  
He’d fucked up. He’d fucked up bad. Jason already had enough on his plate. Matt knew about his situation with Ivy. Matt knew about his situation with Peter. Matt knew how life-ruining it could be for Jason’s secrets to be let out. Matt knew that Jason dealing with these on his own, let alone dealing with his peer's reactions, was a burden he could never imagine. Matt knew all of this, and yet he still decided to destroy Jason for his own personal gain. He wanted to be the spotlight. He wanted to be the golden boy. Jason McConnell didn't deserve to be worshipped like he was. If anyone deserved to be in the spotlight, it was Matt, and he would do anything to make sure that’s where he ended up. God, why was he like this?  
Nothing felt real. His hands felt like TV static and he was shaking too hard to even stand. The tears in his eyes made everything fuzzy and blurred. This was his fault. He was guilty. If Matt had only been more caring. If only he had been more compassionate. He could have prevented this, but he was too selfish too. He was too concerned about himself to give a damn about anyone else, and that would be his unbecoming.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Thanks for reading! I really hope you enjoyed. I just wanted to clarify, I don't think that any of these kids are at fault, I just wanted to explore the ways they reacted to Jason's suicide attempt.


	2. Saying What You Feel

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Hey! There is talk of Jason's suicide here and a suicide note so if that will be triggering to you just skip this chapter. There's also talk about hospitals and IVs and stuff here too so trigger warning for that aswell. I hope you enjoy!

Peter feels like a fish out of water. Out of all the places, Peter feels he belongs, a hospital waiting room surrounded by his ex-boyfriend's family is not one of them.  
Jason is stable. Thank God, he's stable, and stable is good. The only problem is that he isn't awake. He’s in a coma. The words burn into Peter's mind. Coma. What a scary word. How would he explain this to his dad? Peter chuckled imagining that phone call. ‘Hi dad, its Peter. I won't be able to make it to your house next week because my secret gay lover is in a coma. Have a good time at mass on Sunday. Bye, dad’.  
What a mess he’d gotten himself into. The ground was being pulled out from under him and everything he had ever wanted was about to collapse around him, and yet he wouldn't change it. Sure, if given the chance to change the past, he would prevent the boy he loved from trying to kill himself in front of the entire school and winding himself up in a coma; but he wouldn’t ever change their relationship. He wouldn’t trade the stolen kisses or the late-night conversations for the opportunity to be straight.  
The McConnells sat across from him hospital waiting room. Mr.McConnell’s head bowed, his wife looking at everything besides Peter, and Nadia anxiously fidgeting with the sleeves of the hoodie she was wearing. It was Jason's hoodie, Peter's favorite one to wear. He felt a tinge of jealousy even though Nadia had far more right or wear it than he did, especially now. They needed to talk to him before they would let him go back and see Jason. They’d told him that 10 minutes ago, but they haven't started talking. The empathetic part of Peter understands how hard it must be to talk to the boy who arguably started this whole chain reaction of misfortune. The selfish part of Peter just wanted them to talk so he could go see Jason. He just wanted to see him. Deep down, Peter knew that seeing Jason hooked up to a myriad of machines, unresponsive with a tube down his throat would most likely be traumatizing. He knew that, but God, he just wanted to see his face. He wanted to run his fingers through Jason's hair and trace his cheekbones with his fingers.  
“Peter” Mr.McConnell mumbled, his head still bowed, looking at his feet.  
“Yes, sir” Peter replied.  
“Peter we just want you to know that we aren't...we aren't upset. We can't say that we approve of you and Jason being in a relationship. That isn't something that we condone. It’s...it’s upsetting and we don’t understand, but we’re here for you, Peter. This must be really hard for you, too…”  
“Thank you. I don’t expect you to understand or even approve of us, but I am so thankful that you’re not shunning me or anything like that. Thank you, guys”  
“There's more, Peter” Mrs.McConnell sighed.  
“What is it?” Peter asked.  
“There was a note. Jason wrote a note… and there is a part of it that's written just for you. Do you want to read it?” She asked, pulling a few folded up pieces of notebook paper out of her purse.”  
“Could I please?” Peter asked, trying not to sound too impatient when in reality it took all of his self-control to not rip the paper from her hands and run with it. Mrs.McConnell handed over one of the papers. Should he be anxious?  
“This one is for you,” she added. Peter unfolded the paper and started reading what was undoubtedly Jason's messy handwriting. 

Peter. God, Peter what do I even say? What am I supposed to say? I don't know what I’m doing. I wish I didn't have to do this. I love you. More than anything, I love you. I wish I could have shown you that. I wish I could have been a better boyfriend. I’m sorry, Peter. I’m sorry that I gave up on us. I’m sorry that I stopped trying to make us work. I’m sorry that I gave up on you and I’m sorry that I gave up on myself. I’m sorry for hurting you. I’m sorry for hooking up with Ivy. All I can say is that I’m sorry. I know that isn't enough, but it's all I can do.  
I need you to know that this isn't your fault. If anything, you're the reason that I stayed as long as I did. Please never forget how much you’re worth. Never forget how happy you make me and everyone else at this school. You light up every room you walk into, Peter. Never forget how much I love you. I’m sorry that we had to end this way. I hope you can understand.  
There is so much out there for you. You deserve everything you want. I hope that life is good to you. I hope that you can leave all this catholic boarding school bullshit behind and live your truth. I hope you can live a life that makes you happy. You are perfect, and I want you to know that you are capable of anything. Not to get cheesy and shit, but you can do anything. You're a genius, Peter Simmonds. You can do anything you set your mind to. I admire you. I admire your passion and your drive. You’re going to change lives. I know you are. You shine, Peter, never forget that.  
Again, Peter. I’m so sorry. I love you. I love you so much. I’m sorry that I’m doing this to you. I wish that there was another way, but I can’t seem to find a way out of this. There aren't any other options for me. I wish you the best, Peter. God, I love you. Please never forget that. I love you- Jason. 

Peter feels like a fish out of water. He’s not even sure when he started crying but tears are streaming down his face. His hands are shaking so violently that he isn't even sure how he was able to read the paper in his hands. Nadia gets up from her chair and joins Peter. She wraps her arms around him and Peter melts into her embrace and cries. He cries until he feels like he can't cry anymore.  
“You were his everything, Peter,” Nadia sniffled, “he loved you so much.”  
“I love him too. God, I love him more than anything” Peter sobbed.  
“Do you want to see him?” Mrs.McConnell asked.  
“Please.”  
“Ok, let's go see him. You guys stay here, I’ll go with him” Nadia volunteered. Even though his legs felt like jelly beneath him, Peter stood up and joined Nadia as she walked him back to Jason’s room.  
“I assume you’d want some privacy with him. That's why I ditched mom and dad. You deserve some time alone with him and I know that my parents wouldn't let you have that.”  
“Thanks, Nadia. I really appreciate that… and I really appreciate you too. You’re a good person. I know Ivy’s got you thinking that you're a scummy bitch, but that isn’t true. You’re a really good person.”  
“Wow, you're really getting emotional out here, Petey” Nadia chuckled.  
“You know I’m just telling the truth. And just so you know, that's the only time you're going to get away with calling me, Petey.” Nadia chuckles again. They walk in silence for a few yards until Nadia stops in front of Jason’s room.  
“Just to let you know, it's not really a pretty sight. He’s breathing on his own now though. It was really hard seeing him on a ventilator. It's really hard seeing him in general but that was especially tough. Anyways, Peter, don't let all the tubes and wires and beeps freak you out. He’s going to be ok. He’s already started breathing on his own which just shows that he’s strong and he's going to pull through this. Now go see your boy” Nadia said, gesturing towards the door. Peter nodded. He took a sharp breath in and walked into Jason's room.  
The sterile smell was far more potent in Jason’s room. The lights were set to low but the white walls cast a blinding light into Peter's eyes. There he was. Jason McConnell. Peter's roommate of three years. His best friend since 6th grade. The boy he loved more than anything in the world. Nadia was right when she said the tubes and wire would be daunting, but beneath all of it was Jason. The same Jason that Peter had fallen in love with so many years ago. Peter takes a few steps until his hands are on the rails of Jason’s bed. He watches as Jason’s chest rises and falls uniformly, so thankful to see him breathing. He takes his shaking hands and runs them through Jason's hair. It’s still thick and greasy with gel from the performance two nights ago. He’s so peaceful. So perfect. There so much that Peter wants to say. He knows the words will fall empty, but he talks anyway, entertaining the chance that maybe, by some blessing, Jason will be able to hear him.  
“Hey, Jase. It's me, Peter. I read what you wrote. It really touched me. I love you too, just so you know. I always have and I always will. I don't think there's anything that could happen that would make me not love you. I’m sorry that I wouldn't let us have a second chance. That was stupid of me. I think that I was just too stubborn to let myself love you. Shit, I really wish I wouldn’t have been so stubborn. I was too selfish to think about what you might be going through and I’m sorry. If by some miracle you can hear me right now, I want you to know that if-no when you wake up, I’ll be right here waiting for you. Whether or not you want to try again at that point is completely up to you, but just know that I am fighting for you, Jason. When you wake up, I'm going to be right here by your side through it all. Through thick and thin this time, not just when it's convenient for me. I’ll be a better boyfriend. I’ll be the boyfriend that you deserve.” Peter mused. He paused for a moment, taking a second to take in the moment. Everything was such a mess, a perfect mess.  
“Nadia is OK. She's surviving. She misses you too, Jase. She needs you just as much as I do, if not more. Ivy’s surviving too. God, she's struggling but she's alive. I want to be angry. I want to be angry at both of you… but I can't be. Neither of you even did anything wrong. Sure, maybe sleeping with my best friend as a rebound wasn't the greatest decision you've ever made, but I can’t blame you. We all do stupid things. I really don't think she’s going to keep this baby. She’s not sure yet, but I know that she doesn't want this. It’s not something I can’t really help with though, which is frustrating. I just have to support her and be her best friend, which is hard. It's hard seeing her struggle. I wish I could just talk to you, Jason. You’d know just what to say.” Peter paused again, taking in the situation. If someone would have told him three months ago that he would be monologuing to his comatose ex-boyfriend, he would have laughed in their face. He takes another sharp inhale and finishes his speech.  
“Anyways, Jason, I love you. I’m on your team. I’m fighting for you. I’ll talk to you later, ok. You’re so strong. I love you” Peter placed a soft kiss on Jason's forehead. He stopped for a bit, taking in this moment once again. He watched Jason's chest as it rises and falls, listening to the rhythmic sound of his breath. Peter took one last look at the boy who laid so helpless next to him. A feeding tube and a plethora of IV’s were stuck into the boy who used to rule the school. Untouchable Jason McConnell, varsity lacrosse star, had become so defenseless. With one last kiss on the forehead, Peter said goodbye and joined Nadia in the hall.  
“Are you OK?” Nadia asked, placing her hand on his shoulder.  
“Yeah. I’m alright,” Peter replied, “seeing him and being able to talk to him was really good for me. Cathartic, ya know”  
“Me too. It's so nice to be able to talk to him, even if I don't know if he can hear it.” Nadia said, “let's go. Have you eaten anything recently? Can I get you something like a hot chocolate or coffee?”  
“You don't need to baby me, Nadia. If anything I should be fawning over you” Peter started.  
“No no no. I’m fine. I'm surviving and the last thing that would be beneficial to me is being pitied. Now, do you prefer hot chocolate of coffee.”  
“Hot chocolate.”


	3. Reminisce

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Hey pals! This chapter is really dialogue-heavy. There's also a lot of introspection.

This was a conversation that was long overdue. Peter sat across from his mother at their dining room table, mugs of tea sitting in front of them. They were going to have this conversation. They both know that they couldn’t put it off any longer. 

“I don't know where to start” Peter mumbled. 

“Just talk to me, Peter. Tell me everything. You’re not in trouble. I'm not mad. Just talk to me, sweetheart” Claire said, reaching her hand out towards him. Peter took it in his own. 

“It not that easy, mom” Peter replied. 

“I know it isn't, but we can't keep avoiding it anymore. Let's just talk and get it over with.” Peter looked at his mom and then to the floor. He took a shaky breath in and began. 

“Me and Jason started dating freshman year. We were really good friends before but once we switched from middle school to high school and ended up as roommates, things changed. I had always felt different about him. He made me so happy. It was the end of October and it was late at night. It was almost time for lights out and we were studying together. Somehow it turned into a playful wrestling match. We wrestled and had fun, and then Jason kind of stepped back and apologized. I had no clue why he was apologizing and he told me that he didn't want me to feel uncomfortable. I asked why I would be uncomfortable and he told me he was gay. I didn't know what to say. I thought that somehow he’d found out I was gay and was just playing a sick joke on me. I just kind of sat there stunned. He looked terrified. I could tell by the look on his face that he wasn’t kidding with me. He was genuinely scared. I told him that I was gay too. Neither of us knew how to react. After a moment of awkward silence, I asked Jason ‘so who do you have a crush on’ and he told me that he had a crush on Zach. That kind of sucked because I really liked him. He asked me who I had a crush on. I was so tempted to just pick a random boy and get it over with, avoid the whole awkward situation. But I didn't. I looked at him and said ‘you. I have a crush on you, Jason’ and I started apologizing and saying I was sorry if I made things weird but before I could finish he kissed me.” Peter took a break to take a sip of tea. Silence filled the room again. Peter looked up to meet his mother's eyes. He couldn't quite read her expression. He continued. 

“We decided to be boyfriends that night. We were so good for years. Sure, we both hated that we had to hide, but I have to admit, it was kind of fun to sneak around together. Doing stuff like leaving our classes and meeting in the hallway just for a quick kiss was such an adrenaline rush, and we loved it. After Christmas break, I decided that it was time for me to come out. I was ready to tell you that I was gay. Jason wasn’t ready though and that kind of put a damper on our relationship. Things were tough and he ended up breaking up with me the day after Ivy’s birthday. It was really tough but I just kept moving forward. I packed all of my stuff up and moved in with Lucas. I loved Jason more than anything and it was so hard to let him go, but I knew that it was the right thing for him. Everything was fine until the night before the play opened. I found out that Ivy and Jason slept together and that Ivy was pregnant. Matt found out too and got really angry. He had a possession thing with Ivy and he was angry at Jason. So, he outed us. I told Matt on Ivy's birthday that I was gay thinking that I could trust him, but I couldn't. Matt told the entire cast that we were gay, and that was devastating. Then you know what happens from here. The next day Jason attempts suicide.” 

“Peter…,” Claire begins, “I don't even know what to say. I can't say I never suspected that you were gay but I never thought that it would come to this.” 

“Yeah,” Peter said sardonically. 

“I didn’t know that Jason meant that much to you” Claire admitted. 

“I love him, mom. I love him so much” Peter said. He’d been holding it together so well, but those words broke him. He couldn’t even tell why he was crying. Was he crying because he was upset thinking about Jason or was he crying because it was so cathartic for him to finally be open with his mom? He couldn't tell. Claire took both of Peter's hands in her own as he cried. 

“Peter, I love you. I wish I could understand what was going on in your head. I don’t know about this whole gay thing, but I love you. You’re still my baby boy. I will always love you.” 

“I love you too, mom” Peter sniffled. 

“You're going to be ok, Peter. It's all going to work out. God has it all under control.”

“I feel so lost,” Peter rambled, “I don't know what I’m doing or where I’m going and I’m scared, mom. Everything is such a mess and I’m all tangled up in the middle of it. There's not a good way for this situation to end. No matter what happens, everybody gets hurt.”

“Honey,” Claire consoled. 

“I don't know what to do mom”

“I don't know either.” 

“I-I think I should get therapy or something” Peter mentioned. 

“I think that would be a good start,” Claire nodded. They sat together in silence for another couple of moments. “Is there anything else you need to get off of your chest?” Peter looked up at his mom, and then down at his hands. He debated whether to say anything at all. He’d just had such a heartfelt moment with his mom. Was he really going to ruin it? There was so much he needed to say, but he wasn’t ready to deal with the consequences of saying it. He wanted to scream about how angry he was. He was angry that he was shipped off to Catholic boarding school as a sixth-grader. He was angry that his mom refused to accept him until he was traumatized. He was angry that every decision of his life has always been dictated by the opinion of a God he wasn’t even sure existed. God, he was so angry; but he said nothing. 

“No mom, I think I’m good” Peter muttered. Claire nodded again. 

“If you ever need to talk with somebody I’m all ears.” 

“Thank you, mom,” Peter said weakly, his voice at almost a whisper. He hopes that one day he’ll be able to talk to his mom without feeling wrong. They were taking steps in the right direction, but Peter still felt so far from his mother. One day he hopes that he will be able to be around his mom without walking on eggshells. He hopes that one day he won't feel foreign in his own home- or in his own skin. He hopes the future treats him well, but until then, Peter makes the most of what he has.  
Peter has to admit, it feels so good to be open with his mom. This is what he has always wanted; a close relationship with his mother. The first thing he thinks to do is call Jason. His heart sinks when he realizes that Jason won't pick up. So much had happened in the past week that Peter wishes he could talk to Jason about. He really misses talking to Jason. He misses how they would talk about nothing and everything all at once. He misses the trust between them. Jason was the only person that Peter could tell everything to. Peter didn't have to watch what he said around Jason. He didn’t have to hide around Jason, and he misses that. 

“I need to get some air” Peter mumbles, standing up from his chair. He doesn't even hear his mother's reply. He’s halfway out the door before he even realizes what he's doing. Where is he even going? Usually, he’d go to Ivy’s house and they’d figure something out together. They did everything together. But Peter needed to be alone. He takes his jacket from the rack and steps out the door. He starts walking down the block, still unsure of where he’s going. He passes Ivy’s house and can’t help but wonder what shes doing. Shes probably crying. Peter hates the thought, but he knows that it's true. Maybe on his way home, he would stop by and check up on her. He keeps walking.  
He passes Ms. Mahoney’s house. For as long as he can remember, Ms. Mahoney has sat in the pew adjacent from the one he and his mom would sit in. In the winter, when he was home for Christmas break, Peter would shovel her driveway. He would do it as a service, but she always insisted he at least takes a cup of hot chocolate in return. She would sit and muse about her grandkids while Peter sat at her kitchen table and sipped steaming hot chocolate while his fingers warmed up. If she knew his secret, would she even open the door next time he knocked? Would she continue to wave to him after Sunday mass? Oh, what he would do for a cup of her hot chocolate right now. He keeps walking. 

Peter walks till he reaches the park he and Ivy used to play at as kids. The same park where they played house together for years. The same park where they smoked their first (and last) cigarettes. The same park they would sneak out to and sit on the swings and just talk. Peter always wanted to bring Jason here. He wanted to sit on the swings with him and point out the constellations. Sure, he would only point out Cygnus and The Big Dipper, but it was something. Jason would appreciate it. He takes a seat on the swings. The third one from the left, that's the one he always sat on. He closes his eyes and takes it all in. Every happy memory he's ever had at this part rushes back to him as he breathes in the thick smell of the wood-chips. There are so many stories he could tell about this park, but he only wanted to tell them to Jason. He wanted to lay on the grass and tell Jason about the time Mason Lee had broken his nose on the monkey bars and Ivy was so traumatized by all the blood that her mom had to take her home. He wanted to tell the story of when he almost called 911 when he thought he was going to die on the swing set after taking a long drag of a cigarette an older boy from church had gifted him. There is so much Peter still wanted to tell Jason. Hopefully, Peter will get the chance. 

The sun was setting by the time Peter started making his way back home. The crisp early summer air tickled his ears and the back of his neck, but it didn't bother him. It was something to feel, so he couldn’t complain. The past few weeks, Peter had swung so rapidly between feeling so much at once to feeling nothing at all that he felt like he was losing his mind. If he was honest, it terrified him. He wasn't a stranger to bouts of sadness and anxiety, but he’s never felt true depression. He’s never been so sad that he felt nothing at all. He’d never been so sad that he couldn’t even cry or get out of bed. 

Once Peter was back in his neighborhood, he took another look at the houses around him. The Johnson’s yard was overgrown and the pink trike parked on the walkway to the door hadn’t moved since Peter had been home. The Adams’ dog was barking at him through the fence, he remembers years ago when the dog was little and he and Ivy walked across the street to pet him. This street was where he grew up. He knew every nook and cranny of the neighborhood, yet he felt so foreign. Everything seemed different now. This was his home, but he felt like such a stranger. 

He walks up the steps to Ivy’s front door. The same 3 steps he’d been walking up for the past 17 years. He reaches for the doorknob but turns away last minute. He could talk to her tomorrow.


	4. Decisions, Decisions

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Heya! There's talk of abortion in this chapter (nothing graphic, honestly its all really vague) but trigger warning for that. Other than that, enjoy this chapter!

Peter and Ivy had been friends since they were babies. Their families lived on the same street and their moms had become friends in a maternity group at their local church. Peter was only two weeks older than Ivy and they’d always been inseparable. He’d always helped Ivy make decisions, but he couldn't help her make this one. 

Ivy and Peter laid on Ivy’s bed in the same room they’d grown up in, but nothing was the same. The air conditioner whirred and the morning sun peeked through the cracks in the curtains, casting an ethereal glow across the room. Everything felt so surreal. Never in a million years would Ivy have ever expected herself to be in this situation. It was only a kiss. God, she should have just stopped there. She had gotten herself into such a mess. A kiss with her crush turned into an unwanted pregnancy and being stuck in a weird love triangle-esque relationship with her best friend. As much as everyone told her that it wasn't her fault, Ivy Robinson couldn’t help feeling that she was anything but guiltless. 

“Ivy,” Peter mumbled, “we need to figure this out. I’m here for you, ok. We can't just ignore the problem.” 

“I wish we could” Ivy weakly replied .

“Me too, but we cant. Ivy, I can’t make this decision for you. I wish I could, but I can't. I can only talk through it with you and help you decide what is going to be best for you. I don't even know what to say to help you, Ivy. All that I want is for you to be happy, ok. What can I do to make this easier for you”. Peter took Ivy’s hand in his. 

“I can't decide if this decision would be easier or harder to make with Jason.” Ivy said, thick cynicism in her voice, “God, I wish he were here”. 

“I wish he were here too. But hey, at least he’s not dead. Let's thank our lucky stars for that.” 

“I guess that's true” Ivy replied, “have you heard anything new from Nadia?” 

“I haven't. He’s still stable and there's still brain activity so there's a high chance of him waking up and making a recovery, so lets be glad of that” 

“Yeah. Hows Nadia doing?” Ivy asked. 

“She's doing as good as she can. We can go see her later, but I can tell that you're trying to avoid the real problem at hand. We need to figure out what you're going to do about this baby”. 

“I feel bad about making this decision without Jason here. I feel like he should get a say too.” 

“I’ve dated Jason for four years and I’m positive he would tell you the same thing that I’m telling you. This decision is totally up to you and you'll be supported in whatever you decide to do.” The air grew silent. Ivy’s eyes danced around the room, glancing everywhere, but never meeting Peter’s. She took her hand from his and began twisting her hands in her lap. 

“Ivy. What do you want. Don't tell me what you think your mom wants, or what you think God wants. This is going to impact your life, I. Whatever decision you make will dictate how the rest of your life goes. I know that's a scary thought, but it's the truth. What does Ivy want? What is going to make you happy? What is the right decision for you. What is the decision that will make you be able to achieve your dreams?” Peter mused, 

“Wow, real deep, Pete” Ivy quipped. The room fell silent again. Peter was waiting for an answer, and Ivy knew that. God, what did she want? 

“I-I’m really not ready to be a mom, Peter” Ivy admitted softly, breaking the thick silence. 

“And that’s ok. You don’t have to be” Peter consoled. Ivy slid closer to Peter and rested her head on his shoulder. Peter took the girl into his arms, holding her tight. 

“I don’t want to be pregnant either. I don’t want to keep this baby. I know how horrible that is, God, I’m a horrible person”.  
“You’re not a horrible person, Ivy. It’s your body and you have the choice.” 

“All I did was one stupid thing, Peter. I made one mistake. Why would God do this to me?” Ivy hiccuped, a wave of hot tears welling up in her eyes. 

“I wish I could tell you, Ivy. I really wish I had an explanation for this. I wish I knew why God would do this to you. I wish I could tell you why God did this to me and Jason. Fuck, I love him so much. All I did was love him. Loving him brought me closer to God than I ever had been before, and I have no idea why God would punish me for that… or him for that matter. I want the answers so badly but I can’t find them. I guess we just have to trust that its for a reason. Ivy, if I’m being completely honest, I don’t even think I believe in God.” 

“Neither do I. I wish I believed that there was a God up there looking down on me but with everything that’s happened in the past week, I just can’t bring myself to believe it”. 

“Look at us. A gay and an unwed mother rejecting Catholicism. Who would have thought?”

“Sister Margaret from 8th grade” Ivy chuckled, a smile breaking out on her face. 

“She really hated us, didn't she” laughed the elder of the two. 

“I think she really was just bitter that she couldn't find any evidence to prove that we were dating and sinning. She couldn’t be content with us just being good kids.” 

The early morning melted into a warm afternoon with Peter and Ivy spending the majority of the day laying on Ivy’s bed. Together, they did what they did best, felt. Everything was so confusing for both of them, but they talked through it together. They laughed, and reminisced and cried together as the day passed by them. Who knows what the future holds for Peter and Ivy, but together, they’ll get through it. They always have.


	5. We're Okay

Two weeks had passed and Jason was still in a coma. Recovery looked promising, but there was no way of making any guarantees. Peter was visiting as often as he could. The hospital when Jason was staying was 45 minutes way from Peter's house, but the trip was worth it. Ivy hadn't visited Jason yet. She wanted to, but she just couldn't bring herself to do it. 

One of the things Peter hated most about going to boarding school was that living close to your friends was rare. From Peters house, The McConnells lived an hour away, Lucas lived an hour and a half away, and Matt an hour and a half in the other direction. He'd gotten lucky that Ivy lived two houses down so his summer wouldn't be completely lonely. 

The call came in the middle of the night. Peter was in a deep sleep when the shrill sound of his ring tone echoed throughout his bedroom. He awoke with a start and fumbled around his bedside table looking for his phone. He picked up quickly once he saw that Nadia was the one calling. She wouldn’t call him this late unless there was important news about Jason. 

"Hey, Nadia," Peter said, "Is everything OK?"

"Yeah. Oh, my God, yeah. Jason's awake. He's still really out of it but he's awake and responsive."

"Holy shit Nadia, are you serious" Peter gasped. 

"Yeah. Can you come down? I'm sure he'll want to see you" Nadia asked. 

"Of course, let me get out of my pajamas and I'll be on my way"

"See you then, Petey". 

Peter felt like he was filled with electricity. He jumped from his bed and changed quickly into a pair of jeans and a hoodie, one that he'd stolen from Jason years ago. He threw on his glasses, not taking the time to put in contacts like he always does. He grabbed the keys to a car and hurried out the door, not even stopping to think to tell his mom where he was going. Should he pick up Ivy? Would she even want to come? He was on the freeway before he even stopped to think about it. He was in a daze. He doesn't even remember the drive to the hospital. All he remembers was parking his car and practically running inside. Nadia was waiting for him in the waiting room.

"Hey!" Peter said, exasperatedly. 

"Hi!" Nadia replied, hurrying over to Peter and enveloping him in her arms. 

"Hows Jason?" Peter asked. 

"He's alright. He's back to sleep right now but he was awake and talking. He's pretty weak, but he's alert. He asked for you." 

"He-he asked for me?" Peter stammered. 

"Yeah. Right before he went back to sleep he asked where you where and when I told him that you were on your way, he smiled. He'll be excited to see you when he wakes up." 

"How long has he been asleep?" Peter inquired. 

"Someones getting a little impatient," Nadia laughed, "He's been asleep since like, 10 minutes after I called you, but you can go in and see him and sit with us while we wait for him to wake up."

"Patience isn't a talent of mine" Peter joked. Nadia chuckled and beckoned him to follow her back to Jason's room. The energy inside the room was different. Mr. and Mrs. McConnell sat on one side of the room, smiles adorning their faces. Liz, Jason's older sister, sat on the other side next to Jason's bed.

"Hey, Peter" Liz smiled. Peter and Liz had met for the first time three days after Jason was admitted into the hospital. They weren’t close by any means, but they got along. 

"Hey, Liz"

"I'm going to assume that you want to steal my seat so you can hold his hand" Liz snickered. 

"Well, if you're offering it." Peter replied. Liz smiled and got up from her seat, gesturing for Peter to sit down. 

"I'm sure he'll want to talk to you more than he wants to talk to any of us." 

Peter sat down and looked again at the boy laying there. The feeding tube was still there. The wires and IV's were still there. He looked the same, but also so different. There was life to him. When Peter placed his hands in Jason's, there was a response. Jason gripped back. Peter and Jason hadn't held hands in months, and suddenly Peter felt more alive than he had in weeks. 

Ten minutes had passed from the time Peter arrived to the time that Jason woke up. Seeing him begin to stir filled Peter with excitement. The weight that had been on Peters shoulders for months suddenly began to wash away. He couldn't help but remember the first morning when he'd woken up next to Jason. He remembers the curl of his messy bed hair. He remembers the same curl of his eyelashes and the way his chest rose and fell. The parallels were uncanny. New beginnings were in the air. Peter watched as Jason's head lulled from one side to the other and his eyes fluttered open. 

"Hi" Peter whispered, brushing his fingers through Jason's hair. 

"Peter" Jason said. His voice was frail and his smile was weak, but Peter swears that he's never seen him happier. 

"Jason" Peter replied, smiling back at him. 

"Are you OK?" Jason asked. 

"Yeah, I'm OK, Jason. You're the one we should be worried about here. Are you OK?" Peter chuckled, cupping Jason's cheek in his hand.

"I'm OK. I'm good. You're here and I'm good." Jason smiled.

"I'm glad you're good, Jase. I'm really really glad you're good"

"Are we good? Are you upset with me?" Jason asks, looking up to Peter, his eyes opening fully for the first time. 

"We don't need to talk about this right now. Let's just take in the moment, alright. But for the most part, we're OK. We're gonna figure things out and we'll be alright. I'm not angry with you." 

"Good, because I don't know what I'd do without you, Pete" 

"I don't know what I'd do without you either... And just so you know, since you're sick, I'll let you get away with calling me Pete, but it's a one time thing."

"Whatever you say, Pete. Whatever you say"

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I hope you enjoyed! I know it isn't the best chapter but I tried lol. I've been working hard on this fic and the following chapters. There's still a lot more I want to write into this story so I hope you're enjoying it! Thank you for reading!


	6. The Big Conversation

Jason had been out of his coma for three days. Peter was staying with the McConnells and spent most of his time in the hospital with Jason. As much as Jason parents disliked it, Peter was Jason's biggest motivator. Jason's good mood was exclusive to the first few hours of him being awake. Once he fully came too, his mood completely deflated. Things weren't fine. Jason wanted nothing but to escape this, yet here he was. 

Jason was frail. He could barely walk on his own, was still dependent on a feeding tube, and had hardly any energy. Most of the time Peter was with him was spent laying together on the hospital bed (which barely fit both of them) in silence as Jason slept or wearily watched TV. Every once in a while, Peter would notice small tracks of tears streaming down the boy's face. Jason didn't ever want to talk about it and Peters's only option was to respect that. It wasn't easy for either of them. Peter wished he could do something to make Jason suffer less, and Jason wished he could just feel better. They hadn't talked much, and when they did, they talked about nothing of importance. They hadn't talked about their relationship or Jason's situation with Ivy. They hadn't talked about any of it, and Peter didn't plan on bringing it up. Jason was so feeble physically that Peter couldn't imagine what he was going through mentally. 

Jason's hospital room was dark. The curtains were drawn and the lights were shut off. Peter laid next to Jason as some shitty reality show droned on in the background. The McConnells had gone down to the cafeteria to get some lunch, leaving Peter alone with Jason. 

"You really shouldn't be here, Peter," Jason said quietly. 

"Why," Peter asked, pulling away from Jason, "If you want me to leave just tell me and I-" 

"No. That's not what I mean," Jason panicked, "That's not what I mean at all. I want you here. I need you here. It's just...It's just that we ended on a bad note and I really don't know why you'd want to be here after what I've done to you." Peter took a deep breath. They were going to have the big conversation. 

"You know, I'd be lying if I said that I wasn't upset. I would be lying if I said that you never hurt me. It's been a hard couple of months for all of us, Jason. I may be upset, but I do still love you. I still want to be with you. I'm still going to fight for you, Jason, because I love you more than anything. I love you despite the fact that you slept with my best friend and despite the fact that you broke my heart. I love you despite your parents not really accepting us. Forever you and I means forever, Jason, not just when things are easy." 

"Is-Is Ivy OK?" Jason stammered. 

"She's doing ok" 

"Did she make a decision" 

"I think she's made a decision but you'll have to talk with her about that. It's between her and you."

"OK," Jason replied. He furrowed his brows and looked away from Peter. Peter knew this look too well. 

"You're overthinking, Jason. It's going to be OK. I need you to know that eventually, everything will work out. You're going to be OK. I'm going to be OK. Ivy is going to be OK. Things are going to come together. We're all probably going to hurt like hell for a while and need some serious therapy, but in the end, we're going to be OK."   
"I wish there was a way for me to fix this. All of this shit is my fault." Jason mumbled.   
"We can't change the past, Jason. I wish we could, but we cant. What's happened has happened. There's nothing that we can do to change it. We made our decisions, and that is that. We have to move forward now, Jase. You can't spend the rest of your life regretting your past. We have to move forward. I can't promise that moving on will be easy. It's going to take a lot of work and healing, but I know you can do it. I can't say that the path ahead of us is an easy one. I don't know what the future holds for me and you, Jason, but I promise you that if you let me, I'll be by your side through all of it."   
"I love you, Peter"   
"I love you too, Jase. I really, truly do."


	7. Deep Breaths

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Chapter trigger warnings: talk of abortion.

Ivy Robinson wasn't the type of person that was afraid of hospitals. She didn't really mind the sterile smell and the bright lights weren’t too much of a bother. Hospitals are meant to help people, not hurt them; so why be afraid? Ivy never understood being afraid of hospitals until she sat outside of one in her mom's car. She hadn’t seen Jason in weeks. She’d made an excuse every time she had the opportunity to see him. Don't get it wrong, she wanted to see him, but she was terrified. Terrified of what he would say. Terrified of how she would react. Terrified to even have to meet his eyes.

"You have to talk to him sometime, Ivy. Its not going to get any easier," Ivy's mom said from the drivers seat, "do you want me to come with you?" 

"No, I'll go by myself. Nadia's waiting for me in the waiting room, I just need a few more moments to take some deep breaths."

"Ivy, you've been taking deep breaths for ten minutes. Just rip off the band-aid and go talk to him." Ivy looked to her mom and then to her feet. It all felt so surreal. She took one last deep breath and stepped out of the car. 

If Peter was here he would give her good advice or emotional support. Right now Ivy really wishes that she wouldn't have denied his offer to come with her. The hospital looms over her as the automatic doors slide open. One foot in front of the other to the elevator. Press the button to get to the third floor. One second at a time. One step at a time. The elevator dings and the door slides open. Ivy almost throws up. She sees Nadia sitting on a couch, facing the other direction but she whips around when she hears the elevator open.

"Hi," Nadia says softly, standing up to join her. Ivy shakily walks over to where Nadia is standing, not saying a word. Shes about to cry. She's doing everything in her power not to cry, "are you ready to go and see him?"

"Give me a second" Ivy whispers. 

"OK. Take as long as you need" Nadia replies sincerely. Nadia is too nice and Ivy wants to hate it. She wants to be angry. She wants to yell at Nadia for taking pity on her and being two-faced, but she doesn't. All she's ever wanted was to have a friendship with Nadia. She wants to have a roommate who is also her friend. God, she wants anything that isn't unadulterated loathing. So she doesn't object when Nadia rubs her back to comfort her.

“He doesn’t hate you, you know” Nadia whispers, “he's just as nervous to talk to you as you are to talk to him.” 

"OK. Let's go" Ivy says after taking one more deep breath. Nadia nods and guides Ivy back to Jason's room. Once they're at the door, Nadia gives Ivy another silent nod, letting her know that its OK to go inside. One deep breath. One deep breath and then another. She remembers her mother's words, 'this is never going to get easier'. With one last deep breath in, Ivy opens the door. 

"Hi Ivy," Jason says softly, looking down at his hands. Ivy knew that she would cry today, but she thought she would at least make it past hello. Sobs wracked through Ivy's body as she stood three steps in front of the door. Neither Jason nor Ivy knew what to do, so Jason buried his face in his palms as Ivy cried. It didn't take long for him to start crying too. 

"What the fuck are we even doing." Ivy sobbed. 

"I don't know," Jason replied, "but at least come sit by me and we can cry about this together". 

"I don't want to cry anymore. I just have to say the words. I just have to tell you." 

"OK. Tell me" Jason gulped. 

"I got an abortion last Monday" Ivy sputtered, if she wasn't a wreck already, those six words destroyed her. She sunk into the nearest chair and balled. It was felt good to say the words out loud but it also hurt more than she could ever express. 

"What do you want me to say, Ivy? If it helps, I think that you made the right decision. We couldn’t be parents, neither of us want that. What can I do to help you through this?" Jason asked softly. 

"You shouldn't be doing anything for me. I should be doing stuff for you. You're the one who has a feeding tube down their nose" 

"And you're the one who just had to make the hardest decision of your life all by yourself because of me. I'm OK, Ivy. I know that I don't look like it, but I'm OK. Now let's try and figure stuff out. I don't want things to be weird between us. I still want to have you in my life, Ivy. I still want you to be my friend. I don't want to lose you, Ivy. I can't lose you." 

"I don't want to lose you either, Jason. I just...I just" 

"You don't know if there's a way we can do that?" Jason finished. 

"Yeah." They sat in silence and sniffles for a moment before Ivy speaks again. 

"I wish Peter were here. He always knows what to say." 

"Yeah. He's good at everything. He's pretty perfect" Jason smiled as he wiped a tear from his cheek.

"He really loves you, Jason. He loves you so much. Honestly, its kind of annoying because he never shuts up about you. I can't believe he's gone since freshman year not gushing over you. He thinks you're the greatest thing since sliced bread." 

"I love him too" Jason replied. 

"I'm glad you have each other. You make a good team and as long as you're with Peter, you won't be able to get rid of me." Ivy smiled, tears still rolling down her face. 

"I'm gonna tell you the same thing that Peter tells me. Its gonna be OK. We'll figure things out and heal and get on with your lives. We're going to be OK, Ivy. I know that this isn't easy for either of us, but we'll make it through." 

"We'll make it through" Ivy repeated. 

"Can I give you a hug, Ivy?" Jason asked. Ivy nodded and got up, making her way to Jason's bed. Jason opened his arms and Ivy melted into them. Ivy takes a deep breath. They were both still upset and confused, but in this moment, they were OK.


	8. The Matt and Lucas Chapter

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> PLEASE READ! This chapter is absolutely optional. If you don't want to read it, don't. It's an experimental chapter I wrote about an experimental ship. If you skip over this chapter, I'm pretty sure it won't affect the rest of the story. That being said, I do feel like this is the best-written chapter I have. If you chose to read, enjoy. If you chose to skip over it, see you next chapter. Thank you for your support of this fic.

Lucas doesn't know why Matt is at his front doorstep in the middle of the night, but he is. He's clad in black Nike sweats and a sweater with St. Cecilia’s school emblem printed on the front. 

"Why are you at my house, Matt. You live like twenty minutes away and it’s four in the morning" Lucas groans, rubbing his eyes.

"I needed to talk to someone and I feel like you're the only one who will listen. I think you're the only person in life right now that’s even willing to look me in the eye. Everyone else would have already slammed the door in my face by now" 

"But you couldn’t just talk to me over the phone?" Lucas asks. 

"No. I wanted to talk to you in person" Matt replies. He looks down at his shoes and then back up at Lucas. 

"So you’re telling me that instead of calling me, you got in your car in the middle of the night and drove to another city to come to talk to me without even thinking to give me a little notice.” 

"I can leave if you want. I shouldn’t have-" 

"No, Matt, it’s fine. I'm just tired. Come inside. We'll talk" Lucas quickly says. He gestures for Matt to step inside and points towards the stairs. "My bedrooms in the basement. We'll go down there." Matt follows Lucas down the stairs and then into his bedroom. It’s familiar. Matt's never been here but it’s full of Lucas' stuff. Matt and Lucas had shared a room for almost three years so the clutter made Matt feel just at home with Lucas. He sits on the end of Lucas' bed as Lucas turns on the lamp on his bedside table. 

"So Mr. Lloyd, what brought you all the way to Sherwood Heights to talk to me," Lucas asks. He takes a pack of gum from the drawer of his table and pops a piece into his mouth. 

"There’s just some stuff that I need to get off my chest and you're the only person that I feel like I can talk to." 

"OK. Lets talk then, I'm a good listener." 

"Do you think that I'm a bad person for what I did to Peter and Jason" Matt inquires. 

"I don’t think you’re a bad person, Matt. I think you're a mediocre person who made a stupid, selfish decision. You shouldn't have done what you did. You shouldn't have outed them. That was wrong. But you’re just a kid, dude, making stupid decisions is what you’re good at." Matt nods. That’s a valid judgment. 

"What do you think I should do? How do I deal with the backlash of all of this? How do I make this better for Peter and Jason?" 

"I don't think there’s a way for you to make this better for Peter and Jason. The damage has been done. You've dug the grave and now Peter and Jason have to lie in it. You cant take that back. I think you could start by apologizing."

"I feel so bad." 

"Honestly, Matt, you should. You should feel bad. You really messed their lives up." 

"I can’t believe I threw away my best friends just for a chance with Ivy. I was so angry. In the moment I was just seeing red and everything happened so fast and I knew that I could beat Jason if I outed him. I wasn't thinking straight. I know that’s not an excuse. There’s not any excuse for what I did."

"It’s just something that you’re going to have to live with. You've made that decision and now you have to live with it." Lucas says bluntly. Matt sighs and looks down at his lap. "I'm sorry if I sound mean. I'm not trying to, its just the truth. I think you’re a good person, Matt. I'm pretty sure that’s what Peter and Jason think too. You just made a really fucking stupid decision."

"I know," Matt says weakly. The room goes silent for a moment. Matt doesn't know what he’s doing but it feels so liberating to be getting everything off of his chest that the words just keep coming out. "Do you ever wonder how Peter and Jason knew they were gay?" 

"I don't. Probably the same way I realized I was bi. You see a hot dude and you just think, wow, I am not straight. Also maybe experimenting. I remember the first time I ever kissed a guy. It was at a rave and I was high off my ass but it was great." Lucas deadpans. 

"Wait. You’re- you’re bi?" Matt asks. 

"Yeah. I mean, I don’t really like to put labels on anything but I'm kinda into guys. I'm surprised that I never let it slip while on X or something. It’s not something that I'm too worried about people knowing about, I would just prefer to avoid all the judgey kids at school" Lucas chuckles. 

"And you said you've kissed guys before?"

"Yeah."

"Was it nice?" 

"Why are you so curious, Matt?" Lucas leans forward and looks in Matts’s eyes.

"I don't know" 

"Matt. I don’t want to overstep or push anything on you but did you really want to be with Ivy because you liked her or were you just trying to convince yourself you liked her? Did you like Ivy or the idea of being with Ivy? Were you jealous of Ivy and her relationships with Peter and Jason?" 

"I don’t know," Matt says again. 

"Have you ever wondered if you're gay or bi, Matt?" Lucas asks, "You can tell me. I won’t tell anyone, I promise." 

"I don’t know. I've always known that it was bad. I've always known that being gay was a sin but... I just... I don’t know" Matt stutters out. His shoulders are tense. He's wringing his hands in his lap. 

"Have you ever thought about kissing boys?"

"Yeah, but I don’t know if I'm attracted to boys in that way. I would definitely try it though. I don't even know if those thoughts are mine or if they're just thoughts to tempt me off my path" Matt replies. 

"How do you think you'll be able to find out."   
"I don't know. I don't know if I'll ever find out." 

"Would you ever experiment with guys" Lucas coaxed. 

"Probably. I don't know." 

"There's a lot you don't know, huh, Matt" Lucas chuckles. Matt continues looking down at his hands and wringing them anxiously. 

"Matt, if you could kiss me right now, no consequences, no strings attached, would you?"

"Aren't you dating Tanya?" Matt countered. 

"We broke up a week ago. It was mutual. We're still friends, we just didn’t want to be a couple anymore. We never really worked out as a couple. We're better off as just friends." 

"Oh," Matt mumbles. 

"You never answered my question" Lucas pointed out. 

"I mean, I guess" Matt shrugged. 

"Matt, can I kiss you?" Lucas asks. Matt nods. He moves forward, joining Lucas in sitting at the top of the bed. Lucas places his hand on Matt's jaw. 

"You can make the first move" Lucas smirks, his voice soft like a whisper. Matt hesitates for a moment. "It’s OK. I don't bite and remember, there are no strings attached. Just two friends experimenting." Matt takes a deep inhale in and connects his lips with Lucas'. The first kiss only lasts two seconds. There’s so much adrenaline rushing through Matt's body that he barely even feels Lucas' lips against him. He pulls away quickly. 

"That’s all the experimenting you want to do?" Lucas queries. Matt's jaw is still resting in Lucas' palm. Lucas runs his thumb soothingly across Matt's cheek. 

"No- I mean- I-" Matt panics.

"Relax, Matt. Its just me" Lucas assures him. 

"Can I kiss you again?" Matt asks. Lucas responds by connecting their lips again. Matt is tense and his hands are still in his lap. Matt's not kissing back but he's not pulling away either. Lucas moves his hand from Matt's jaw for a moment to run his fingers up and down Matt's upper arms. 'It’s just me, Matt" Lucas whispers against his lips. Lucas feels Matt's whole body relax. He moves his body in to be flush with Lucas'. Matt can feel Lucas smile into the kiss. Matt kisses back. His arms fall around Lucas' neck and lays back against the pillow, not letting their lips break apart. Lucas is on top of him and he feels like he's flying. Matt's hands find their way into Lucas' hair and to the small of his back. Lucas' hands are resting on Matt's chest and he can feel his heart racing. Matt opens his mouth, letting Lucas slip his tongue in. Lucas treads with caution, not wanting to scare Matt off. He would be lying if he said he'd never imagined this moment before and he didn't want to waste it. His hands find their way back to Matt's jaw as he deepens the kiss. Matt smiles beneath him and lets out a small sigh of pleasure. Fuck, its so hot. Lucas pulls away from the kiss and quickly places his lips against Matt's neck. He doesn't know what he's doing. He's filled with adrenaline and in this moment everything feels right. Time stops. Everything from the past suddenly disappears and all that’s left is Matt and Lucas. Their bodies are pressed up against each other and everything feels right. Neither of them knows what they're doing. There were supposed to be no strings attached, but Lucas had wanted this for years and suddenly, the world started making sense to Matt. 

"Holy shit" Matt breathes, Lucas still nibbling at his neck. 

"Do you want me to stop?" Lucas asks.

"God, no" Matt purrs. 

"OK," Lucas smirks. "Just don't enjoy yourself too much. Don't forget my parents are asleep upstairs" 

"I won’t. Just keep doing what you're doing." Lucas finds his way back to Matt's neck. Matt tugs slightly at the other boy’s hair. After Lucas feels he's left a sufficient amount of hickeys on Matt's neck, he returns to his lips. His lips always looked so soft but now that they're against Lucas', he realizes how soft they truly are. Matt is wearing cherry chap-stick and Lucas has never tasted something extravagant. Matt feels like he's a cheesy teen romance movie. He's twenty minutes away from home. His parents don't know where he is. He's making out with his roommate of three years and he's having the time of his life. This isn't how things are supposed to be. Matt is a rule follower. A goody-two-shoes. He's not the kind of person who just goes and makes out with someone just for the fun of it, especially not a boy. His brain is telling him this is wrong but for the first time in years, he feels alive. In this moment, Matt Lloyd is not just existing, but living. Lucas places one last peck on Matt's lips before falling onto the bed beside him. They're still close together. Their noses are touching and their chests flush.

"I definitely like kissing boys" Matt chuckled. 

"I'm glad I could help you realize that" Lucas replied. Matt turns to face him. Both boys smile and Lucas reaches his hand out to boop Matt's nose. "Also I hope you have some concealer or know how to get rid of hickeys because I kind of destroyed your neck. I hope you're not too mad about it." 

"I'll pick some concealer up at the drugstore on the way home." Matt chuckles. 

"God, this feels so surreal" Lucas whispers. He reaches out and places his hand on Matt's cheek again. The room falls silent. 

"What are we doing, Lucas" Matt sighs. 

"I don't know. Let's not think too hard about it alright. We're just having experimenting. There’s nothing more to it. Just some idiot boys having a little bit of fun. "

"I don't know. I mean, I really like kissing you. I just... it’s just wild. Twenty minutes ago I was so hellbent on being straight and now here I am, my neck covered in hickeys, laying next to my roommate who is also a guy, having just made out with him for twenty minutes. I feel like I'm doing something wrong even though everything feels so right. I'm just really overwhelmed I guess. There’s a lot going through my head right now. All I know is that I want to do this again. This feels right. I want to kiss boys more. I want to kiss you more, Lucas"

"I don't want us to be a thing, Matt. At least not yet. Things are really messed up right now and everything is confusing. You still have a lot of experimenting and soul searching to do and I have a long road ahead of me with getting sober. I know we’ve been roommates for years but I feel like I don’t even know who you are. I would be lying if I said I'd never wanted this. I've had a crush on you for years but I'm just not ready for more than that right now and I don't even know if you feel the same way about me. I mean, you've only entertained the idea of being with boys for like, twenty minutes so there’s no way that you can know what you want. I definitely wouldn't mind having more casual make-out sessions, or maybe even more if you want that. But for right now, let’s just keep things low key. Let's just keep having fun together without labels or restraints or anything. " 

"OK. I really like that plan." Matt smiles. He takes his hand and brushes a strand of hair out of Lucas' eyes. 

"Don't think that its because I don't like you, Matt. I just want to take things slow. You need to figure yourself out. I need to get sober. But once things are a bit more clear and our lives are calmer, if you decide you want to be something more with me, I'll be here waiting for you." 

"OK." Matt smiles, "How's getting sober going for you?" 

"Eh. The first few days were easy but it’s hard to go without getting high. I never really realized how much I used getting high as a coping mechanism until I got rid of it. It'll pay off though." 

"I'm proud of you, Lucas" Matt praised. 

"Thanks," Lucas replies. "Do you feel like coming down here to talk was beneficial to you?" 

"I mean, I still feel really guilty about what I did to Peter and Jason. I'm pretty sure that will haunt me till the day I die but I feel like I learned a lot about myself. I would count tonight as a win for sure." 

"I would also count tonight as a win," Lucas said smugly. 

"I should head home soon" Matt frowns, "I don’t think my parents would react well if they wake up for work and find out I snuck out." 

"Thanks for stopping by. I'm glad you interrupted my sleep. Next time though, give me a little bit of a heads up." Lucas smiles. 

"Do you think I could kiss you one last time before I go." Lucas doesn't say anything. He just chuckles and gently kisses Matt again. 

"I'll see you later, Matt. Come visit again soon, OK" Lucas whispers against Matt's lips. 

"I'll definitely be back," Matt replies. He untangles himself from Lucas' limbs, straightens his shirt, and walks out of Lucas' bedroom. He stops in the doorway to look back at Lucas. Lucas smiles back at him and waves. Matt waves back as he closes Lucas' bedroom door. Once he's in his car, Matt takes a moment to really take in what just happened. What just happened? This isn't something he would have ever imagined himself doing and yet, now its all he wants to do. He glances at himself in his rearview mirror. He runs his finger over the collection of bruises on his neck. He knows that he should be feeling guilty but he feels everything but guilty. For the first time in years, Matt feels like he's in the right place. He starts his car and checks his phone before he heads home. 

Lucas: keep in touch, OK. Let me know once you make it home safe.  
Matt: I'll let you know. Thanks for experimenting with me tonight.  
Lucas: We can experiment any time.  
Lucas: Life is going to work out for us. Things will get better, we just have to be patient. 

What is he even doing? This isn’t where he imagined his life to be, but everything feels so good. Kissing Lucas was something that he didn't even know he needed. How has his life turned upside down so quickly? Once he gets home, he sends Lucas one more text. 

Matt: Earlier you said you felt like you didn’t know me at all. Let’s get together sometimes and you can talk to the real Matt, not St. Cecilia's Matt who didn’t let himself feel emotions and was so obsessed with being the best. Actual Matt.  
Lucas: Let actual Matt know that I'm excited to meet him. Tell him all bets are off if I dont at least get a goodbye kiss though ;).   
Matt: He's made a note of it lol   
Lucas: ;) get to sleep matt Matt: goodnight lucas. Thanks again.  
Lucas: Anytime. Sweet dreams <3

\----

Matt wakes up feeling like he's in the wrong persons body. There’s a thick layer of concealer on his neck. He remembers putting it there the night before. He remembers everything from the night before. He remembers feeling like he's alive. He remembers feeling so carefree and blissful. He remembers the way Lucas' lips felt against his. He remembers the weight of the other boy’s body on top of him and everything feeling so right. He made out with a boy last night. He made out with a boy last night and enjoyed it... a lot. What was he thinking? That wasn't something that was OK. Matt had spent his whole life being told that having same-sex attraction was a sin. He never thought that he would be in this situation. Sure, he'd admired boys before but he never knew that he felt this way about them. For so many years he refused to let himself think about other men. It was easier to avoid the topic than to deal with the confusion of it. Suddenly, it all makes sense to him. As Matt lays in bed, filled with guilt and confusion about the night before, he suddenly realizes what Peter and Jason went through. He can’t imagine how he would react if anyone found out about what happened between him and Lucas, let alone the entire school. Shit, what had he done? Before the incident with Jason, Matt has never felt emotions this strongly. He used to be so easy going and handling his emotions was something that he was pretty good at. Now, he can barely function. Once the realization of how his guilt must have felt to Peter and Jason hits, he's running to the bathroom, feeling like he's to throw up. He's so overwhelmed with emotions that he doesn’t know how to react. His stomach is in knots as he lies on the bathroom floor. He doesn't know whether to cry or scream at himself in the mirror or just try to go back to sleep. He stands up to splash some water in his face. The cold water hits his face and helps draw him back to reality. He has to call one of them. He has to apologize. He knew what he did was wrong but he didn’t fully get it until now. He's scared. He's scared of what will happen if his parents find out what happened between him and Lucas. He's scared of what will happen if any of his peers find out. The only logical thing he can think to do in this moment is to call Peter. He needs to apologize. He needs to apologize for real. 

Once he's calmed himself down enough and calmed himself down enough to not throw up, he goes back to his bed to get his phone. The first thing he does is call Lucas. He wants to tell Peter everything and be totally transparent but he wouldn't be able to be fully open if he didn't talk about Lucas. Lucas picks up in the third ring. 

"What’s up?" Lucas' voice sings through the phone. 

"Hey, Lucas. I have a question for you" 

"I might have an answer. Don't get your hopes too high though, I'm kind of a dumbass" he chuckles. 

"So I woke up and kind of had a crisis-" 

"Was it about last night? We can totally forget about it if you want to. Don't get hung up on it." 

"No, well, kind of. I had fun last night. I had a lot of fun. This morning I woke up and things kind of just hit me. I realized that maybe Im gay which kind of shook me to my core. There’s still a lot of exploring to do with that situation, but, anyway. I got super panicked about thinking about what would happen if people found out about what happened between me and you last night and then I realized 'holy fuck, I finally get what Peter and Jason felt'. So now I'm feeling guilty again and I need to talk to Peter and apologize. I want to be totally transparent with them and I feel like I can’t do that unless I tell them about what happened with us last night. Would that be OK with you? I know that they won’t tell anyone." 

"Yeah. You can tell Peter and Jason about what happened between us. I trust you and I trust Peter too" Lucas replies. 

"Thanks, Lucas. I really appreciate it. I'm gonna go and give Peter a call and talk with him." 

"OK. Call me back after and tell me how it goes." 

"I will. Talk to you later, Lucas" 

"Take care, Matt." Matt takes a deep breath as he hangs up the call. He shakily finds Peters in his contacts. His finger floats over the call button but hes too afraid to press it. Would he answer? Would he even want to talk to him? He needed to make this call, but he was terrified. He bites the bullet and presses call. Peter picks up on the fifth ring.

"Hey," Peter says hesitantly. 

"Hey. Do you have a minute? I really want to talk to you" 

"Sure, I guess. What’s up." 

"What I did to you and Jason was wrong and-" 

"Matt. It’s over. It happened. We have to move forward." 

"No. There’s more, Peter. Can you keep a secret." 

"I can keep a secret, yeah." 

"I might be gay" Matt winces. 

"What angle are you playing here, Matt. You’ve already outed me and now you’re taunting me for God knows what reason. What did I ever do to you, Matt-" 

"No, Peter. I really mean that. I've always kind of admired boys but I never let myself even consider it or think about being gay but last night I went to Lucas' and then stuff happened and we made out and I realized 'holy shit maybe I’m gay'. Also, I asked him if I could tell you that, I'm not outing him. I know better now. It was all good and fun but this morning I was thinking about how scary it would be if anyone found out what happened. I was so terrified of my parents finding out or anyone from school. I knew what I did to you guys was wrong but I didn’t realize how bad it really was till it became a threat to me. I know that this isn’t an excuse. I know that this doesn't take it back or make it better. I know that I fucked up. I understand if you don’t want to be friends anymore. I understand if you hate me. I get it, and I accept that. I just want you to know, Peter, that I am so sorry. From the bottom of my heart, I am so, so sorry." Matt rants. Hot tears trickle down his face as he shakily holds his phone to his ear.

"Wow, Matt. I don't know what to say. What you did to me and Jason really messed me up. It ruined me. It ruined us. I would be lying if I said that I wasn't angry about it. I'm pissed about it, but I forgive you, Matt. I'm not saying that I'm not mad at you. I just can't spend the rest of my life holding this grudge against you. Life is going to go on and there's no point in me holding a grudge. I don't want to spend senior year hating you either. Life will go on. We'll figure things out, Matt, OK." 

"God, Peter. Thank you so much. You don't know how much that means to me. I promise I'll make it up to you." 

"It'll be OK, Matt. We're going to be OK." 

"How are things with Jason. Is he home yet?" 

"He’s still at the hospital. He's doing better though. I’ve visited a few times and Im going to go see him again later today. He still has a feeding tube and is on lots of IV's and has lost a ton of weight but he's alive. Hes also super weak but he's doing OK. The doctors aren't going to make him go into an inpatient psych ward because they don't see him as a threat to himself again. He'll have to go through a lot of therapy but he's going to be OK. He should be heading home within the next week or so." 

"I'm glad he's alright. I'm so happy to hear that. I've been so worried about him." 

"I think everyone has been worried about him." Peter replies, "It's been really scary, but he's OK now and that’s all that matters." 

"Yeah. I'm so so glad that he's alright. I feel like I should send flowers or something but I also feel like he wants me to just stay out of it and mind my own business for once in my life." 

"I think minding your business would be the best move here, not going to lie. I think he's got enough on his hands right now and I feel like he doesnt really want to talk with you at the moment." 

"That’s totally valid. Just send him my well wishes, alright." 

"I'll let him know. Thanks for calling, Matt. I really appreciate you being so open with me. Keep in touch, alright." 

"I'll talk to you later," Matt says, hanging up the phone. He doesn't feel completely relieved, but there’s definitely a weight lifted off of his shoulders. The first thing he does is text Lucas.

Matt: It went well. He was really nice to me. Lucas: I'm glad !! Matt: He said he forgave me Lucas: wow thats a big step Matt: ngl I expected him to just hang up on me or ignore my  
call  
Lucas: thats what I expected too haha   
Matt: smh you have no faith in me  
Lucas: I really dont lol  
Matt: rude! >:(  
Lucas: do you think im afraid of ur little angry face

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> You made it to the end of the chapter! Did you enjoy it? Would you like to see more Matt and Lucas? Please let me know because I enjoy writing them together but I don't want to write them if you aren't going to enjoy it in the story.


	9. Boyfriends

After two and a half weeks had passed, Jason was finally being released from the hospital. He was still weak but he was doing better. He was slowly gaining back the weight he had lost and his cheeks were regaining color. 

Peter visited often. The first time he visited, things seemed almost normal. The visits after that didn’t follow suit. While Jason was getting stronger physically, mentally he was still extremely fragile. When Peter visited, they didn’t talk much. It’s not that Jason didn’t want to talk, he just couldn’t find the energy to form the words; so their visits were spent with Jason laying silently against Peter’s chest as Peter combed his fingers through his hair. They were going through the motions. They used to cuddle in comfortable silence all the time but this wasn’t the same. It felt wrong and both boys felt out of place, although they’d never admit it. Maybe if they just acted like this felt right then eventually it would feel right.  
Peter was walking on eggshells. He didn’t want to say something that would upset Jason so he never talked about Ivy or school or their relationship. Whenever he visited, Jason’s parent’s eyes were glued to him, waiting for him to slip from his perfect catholic boy appearance. He couldn’t relax. He was supposed to be the strong one and he couldn’t let that facade slip. 

Jason’s parents and Nadia had gone to the cafeteria for breakfast leaving Peter and Jason alone together. It was the same as always. Jason laying against Peter’s chest, the air tense around them. 

“Why doesn’t this feel right,” Jason asked quietly. 

“What do you mean?” Peter asked, pretending he didn’t know exactly what he meant. 

“This. Us. It doesn’t feel right. I want this to be right but it just doesn’t feel that way. I love you, Peter. I want to be with you. I don’t want us to be awkward anymore. I just want to go back to being Peter and Jason who are boyfriends and in love and doing just fine.” 

“We weren’t doing just fine when we were boyfriends, Jase.” Peter sighs. 

“We were for a while, I mean, at least I was. Do you not want this anymore?” 

“More than anything. I want to fix us. All I want is to be with you, Jason. I just don’t know how we’re going to do that. I-” 

“I want to come out,” Jason blurted.

“What,” Peter asked, furrowing his brow. 

“ If you’re worried about us having to stay in the closet, I don’t want to anymore. I want to be open about us. I want to be with you and I want the world to know. I know that I haven’t done a whole lot of talking these past couple weeks but I’ve done a lot of thinking and I don’t want to hide anymore. Everyone already knows or at least suspects it so there’s not a reason for us to try and hide it anymore. I think the worst part was getting outed and I don’t think it can get worse from here.” 

“Are you sure? Pressuring you to come out was wrong and I’ve realized since then that I’d much rather be with you and be in the closet than be out and not with you.”

"I want to come out. I want to be open about us. I want to do all that gross stuff like hold hands in the hallways and post about each other on Instagram. I don't want to hide anymore. That’s what got us into all of this mess and I just don't see a point in hiding anymore. Everyone basically already knows and there’s no point in trying to play it off as a rumor when its true. I want to be Peter and Jason, not just Peter and Jason. I want to show you off and be able to say that I have a boyfriend. I want to be with you always, Peter, not just when we're alone in our dorm." 

“OK. We can come out. Once you start feeling better and things start settling down, we’ll come out. Just know that we can wait. We don’t have to come out.” Peter replies. Jason is silent for a moment. He looks out at the ground and slowly back up at Peter. 

“I love you” Jason blurts. “You don’t have to say it back or feel the same way but I just want you to know that I love you. You’re my everything. I want to fix this and eventually get be boyfriends again. I know things are weird between us right now but can we please fix this.” 

“Yeah, we can fix this. We’ll figure things out… and I love you too. I have always loved you and I always will. Forever you and I means forever. I’ve missed being your boyfriend more than anything. I miss that and I miss you. ” Peter smiles. 

“What’s stopping us from being boyfriends now?” Jason asks. 

“I don’t know. I don’t think slapping a word on us will change things but it might be nice. Is that something you want?” 

“Yeah, I want that” Jason slowly answers. “I just miss the security of having a label on us. I dont care if we put a word on it, I would like to, but I just want you.” 

“Ok then. We’ve got a long way to go with us, but Jason, will you be my boyfriend.” Peter swoons, bringing his hand up to cup Jason’s cheek.” 

Peter smiled at Jason, who's smile shined brighter than the sun. Jason didn’t know how to reply other to kiss him. So that’s what he did. Without a word, Jason sprung forward and connected his lips with Peter's. He hadn't kissed him in god knows how long and he'd forgotten how heavenly it was. Peter followed suit and pulled Jason closer. 

"I love you, Jason" Peter said breathlessly, pulling away from the kiss. 

"I love you too" Jason replied. It wasn't long before they were kissing again. Time stopped as Peter and Jason sat kissing on a cramped hospital bed. The two boys explored each other's mouths, feeling so free for the first time. There was no fear. The constant worry that someone could walk in and see them was gone. They didn't have to spend every moment they spent together on edge. Finally, for the first time in years, Peter and Jason could breathe. They both knew that this was right. 

"So...how are you, boyfriend" Peter breathed, pulling away again. Jason's face was bright red, his lips a bit swollen from the kiss.

"I-I'm good" Jason replied, catching his breath. 

"Am I still a good kisser?" Peter raised his eyebrow cockily at Jason. 

"I dont know. I think I'd need a few more kisses to decide" Jason flirted back. 

"Be careful what you which for" Peter purred, pressing his lips to Jason's once again. This time, they took things slower. The same passion was there, but this time, instead of lust and desperation, there was love. Peter tangled his fingers into Jason's soft, wavy hair as Jason ran his fingers up and down Peter's spine.  
Boyfriends. Oh, how Jason missed being Peter’s boyfriend. He couldn't even begin to describe how excited he was to share him with the world. Finally, he would be able to show off the man he loved more than anything. He wouldn't have to spend any more time worrying about keeping their relationship under lock and key. He wouldn't have to watch his words anymore. For the first time, Jason and Peter could be completely and unapologetically themselves. No more lying. No more secrets. 

"This is all I've ever wanted, Peter," Jason whispers against his boyfriend’s lips, "all I want is you." 

"You're all I need, Jase" Peter replies, his eyes still closed and his nose against Jason's. Jason rests his head against Peters’s shoulder and they lean back against the still hospital bed. They sit like this for a long while, enjoying this quiet moment together. This was a new beginning for them. A new beginning that they so desperately needed. In this moment, there were no worries, just Peter and Jason doing what they do best; loving each other. Both boys fell asleep together for the first time in their lives not worrying about someone seeing them. 

+++  
Something that Peter had learned in the past few weeks that hospitals were never as punctual as they claimed to be. No matter how much patients cooperated, things were always running late. Jason was supposed to be discharged by noon but Peter wasn't helping him into the car till five-thirty. 

There were strict rules for Jason's discharge. He still had bi-weekly appointments to check in with his neurologist. He was also required to start-up therapy. He wasn't allowed to be alone in his room or behind any closed doors. He couldn't have access to anything he could use to harm himself. Jason didn't mind though, he really just wanted to sleep in his own bed again. 

The drive from the hospital to the McConnell's house took about twenty-five minutes. Jason wasn't someone who was prone to carsickness, but his stomach still hadn't fully recovered from being in a coma; So Jason's spent the entire twenty-five minutes leaning against the window with his eyes just tight, willing himself not to throw up. Once they arrived home, Nadia and Mr. and Mrs. McConnell helped take everything outside while Peter sat outside in the car with Jason as he waited for the nausea to cease. 

"You should carry me inside, Peter" Jason mumbled, still leaning against the window. 

"Your legs are like the only thing that wasn't affected. You can walk just fine" Peter retorted. 

"I know but every time I move I feel like I'm going to throw up" Jason whined. Jason had Peter wrapped around his finger, and they both knew it. 

"You really want me to carry you inside" Peter chuckled. 

"I'm not kidding. I dont want to move."

Jason had won this round. He almost always got what he wanted with Peter. Peter got out and walked around to Jason's side of the car. He opened the door and chuckled as he saw Jason smile. It was one of the weakest smiles Peter had ever seen, but it was a smile. Jason unbuckled his seat belt and outstretched his arms. Peter picked him up and carried him bridal style up the stairs to his house.

"I'm not going to let you get away with milking this" Peter said smugly.

"Sure you won’t," Jason joked, his voice weak.  
"You know me too well." Peter smiled. He awkwardly opened the front door, Jason still in his arms, and walked inside. Jason had never been inside the McConnell's house before. He'd seen it on FaceTime plenty of times, but he'd never actually been inside. The first thing he notices is the strong, homey smell. It smells like homemade bread, cinnamon, and lemon all at the same time. The furniture it nice; nicer than anything Peter had ever owned. The TV that hung above the fireplace was huge. There was an empty vase on the coffee table. Peter assumed Mrs. McConnell kept it full with bouquets of flowers when they were home. Mrs.McConnell hadn't been home for anything besides to sleep and get a change of clothes since Jason had been put in the hospital. Family pictures adorned the walls alongside nice paintings signed Elizabeth McConnell. The best way Peter could describe it was homey. 

"Lets just lay on the couch for a bit" Jason yawned. 

"Don’t you think you'd be more comfortable in your bed?" 

"Yeah, I probably would be, but I just want to lay on the couch." Peter didn’t have the heart to argue with him so he walked over to the couch and put Jason down. 

"Should I get you a blanket?" Peter asked. 

"No," Jason murmured, "just come hold me for a second." Again, Peter didn’t have the heart to argue with him so he joined him. There wasn’t a ton of room, but they both fit. Once they were cuddled up together, Peter spoke up again. 

"Now I hope you don't expect me to carry you to your room once you fall asleep here." 

"Oh, you will."

"You're impossible, Jason McConnell" Peter hummed. 

"Impossible to resist." 

"Jason, you may be weak and pitiful, but I won't hesitate to push you off this couch." 

"If you push me off this couch I will never let you be big spoon again" Jason scoffed.

"I'll never let you be big spoon again" Peter mocked. Jason elbowed him and he laughed. 

Peter closed his eyes and listened to the McConnell's as they milled around the house. He listened as the sound of their footsteps as they moved around them and their hushed voices whispering to each other as to not wake Jason (who wasn't asleep). The two boys laid together in silence, their eyes closed, but not sleeping. Every once in awhile Peter would press a kiss to the back of Jason's head or Jason would squeeze Peter's hand. These silent and subtle forms of affection left both boys nearly breathless. Things were slowly but surely returning back to normal. Things were slowly falling back into place. Peter looked at Jason’s peaceful resting face and wondered to himself ‘is this what it’s like to finally feel alive?’

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Hey! Thank you for sticking with this fic and continuing to give me support! I'm not the most confident person in my writing but I have received so much lovely feedback that has really given me so much inspiration to write this story. There will be a few more filler chapters and then we'll get back to more plot and angst and stuff. Thank you again!


	10. Forever You and I

It takes Jason a moment to realize where he is once he wakes up. It’s been a month since he's slept in his own bed. Peter stirs a bit beside him (they must have changed position at some point in the night) but doesn’t wake up. It’s surreal to see be here with him. Peter and Jason had been sharing a bed since freshman year but this time felt different. This felt real. Jason reaches his hand out and softly starts tracing the freckles on Peter's cheeks. 

"You have cold hands you know" Peter smiles, not even bothering to open his eyes. 

"Good morning to you too," Jason replies. Peter chuckles and cuddles up to Jason’s chest.

"I am so sleepy," Peter yawns, "how long have you been awake?" 

"Not long. Maybe five minutes?"Wanna sleep a little longer? Or at least cuddle with your boyfriend for a little bit? I'm not ready to get out of bed yet."

“You really like that word huh?” Peter chuckles

“What word” 

“Boyfriend” 

“Oh yeah. It’s my favorite word” Jason smiled. 

I’m surprised your parents didn’t come and pry me out of your bed in the middle of the night. They aren’t the fondest of me.”

“Well I’m not allowed to sleep in a room alone and I don’t think they’d force you to sleep on the floor or kick you to the guest room and make Nadia sleep on the floor.”

“True” Peter yawned. 

“You never replied to my offer of staying in bed for a little longer” Jason mumbled. 

"Would I ever turn down the change to cuddle with you?" Peter says, offering a tired smile. He places a chaste kiss to Peter’s forehead and holds him close. Peter smells strongly of eucalyptus. He's used the same body soap since freshman year. His hair has grown out and falls over his eyes. Jason uses his fingers to gently brush it away. He's wearing red flannel pajama pants and one of Jason's t-shirts. He's so peaceful. Peter had always been an anxious person but Jason hasn't seen him relaxed in months. He's constantly tense, whether he cares to admit it or not. But here he is, peacefully sleeping against his boyfriend’s chest, the slightest trace of a smile left on his face. For the first time in months, Jason wants to be alive. He wants to stay alive so he can wake up with Peter against his chest. From this moment on, it doesn't matter what life throws at him, Jason McConnell is going to stay alive to experience more mornings like this one. 

Its ten-thirty when Peter and Jason finally drag themselves out of bed. They make their way downstairs together, fingers interlocked. Peter's talking about some animal fact he'd learned watching the Discovery channel once Jason had fallen asleep. Jason listened intently, not caring about ostriches, but enjoying the excitement in Peters’s voice. Peter really liked animal documentaries and Jason really liked the way Peter’s face lit up relaying facts to him. Ever since freshman year, he's been listening to Peter talk about animal facts. It never got old. 

"I swear that when I heard the narrator say that an ostrich could kill a lion I thought I was hallucinating but then they cut to a clip of an ostrich and holy hell those things are so much bigger than I remembered" Peter rambled as he and Jason entered the kitchen. 

"Good morning boys" Mrs. McConnell smiled. Jason's dad looks up, scowls a little, and then goes back to his newspaper. Accepting that Peter and Jason were in a relationship was hard for both of his parents to take in. It was obvious that they were uncomfortable with Jason and Peter being around each other and showing affection, but they didn’t say anything about it. They would rather have an alive, gay son than a dead, presumably straight son; but it was still a learning curve. 

Nadia was sat on the couch, her nose buried in a book. She was still in her pajamas and her hair was tied up into a top knot. There were bags under her eyes and she was obviously tired. Everyone was tired these days. 

"Morning, Nadia" Peter smiled, offering her a small wave. She looked up from her book long enough to give a curt reply. 

"Morning, guys." 

Mrs. McConnell is standing behind the counter and making french toast. Jason would always tell Peter about how his mom would make breakfast for them every morning. Peter didn’t know that kind of thing happened outside of books and movies. His mom barely had time to make him breakfast in the morning, let alone sit and eat with him. I took the stack of plates that were on the counter and began placing them on the dining table just like it was second nature. Peter stood and watched as the McConnell family went about their morning. He felt so out of place and like he was just at home all at the same time. The smell of butter, cinnamon, and syrup mixed with the sounds of turning pages and clanking cutlery made Peter feel safe. Is this what families were like? Jason finished setting the table and returned to Peter's side. He wrapped his arm around Peter’s waist and pulled him close. 

Jason is about to say something else when Liz comes barreling down the stairs. She's going into her sophomore year of college but she’s still filled with wild, childlike energy. The McConnell parents respond to her almost the same way they respond to Peter, badly hidden repulsion. Jason and Nadia had talked about Liz before, Jason even blamed her for the standards being set so high for him. To Peter’s knowledge, Liz was the family mess. She was the tester child that didn’t end up right. Instead of pursuing law and catholicism, Liz chose a gender studies degree and a nose ring. It was Jason’s job as the only son to keep the McConnell flame burning. Peter had never spoken to Liz one-on-one. All of the time they spent together was spent in Jason’s hospital room with the rest of the McConnells, usually in silence.

"Good morning!" She smiles, "How are my favorite siblings doing this morning?" 

"I'm fine" Nadia replies monotonously, not even looking up from her book to meet Liz's eyes.

"Little brother, how is your morning?" 

"Liz, I am not your little brother, I am half a foot taller than you" Jason quips. 

"Would you prefer baby brother?" Liz smirks. 

"Absolutely not," Jason replies quickly "little brother is fine. Anything is better than baby brother." 

"Oh, I see, your boyfriend is the only one who can call you baby. I see how it is."

"Liz!" Jason scolded, slapping her shoulder. 

"What, its true" Liz chuckles.

Before Jason has to reply, Mrs. McConnell tells Liz to help her put food on the table. Liz obliges, taking a platter of french toast and placing it in the center of the dining room table. As she reaches for the syrup, she smiles and winks at Peter. He smiles back, not knowing how else to respond. This is what he had always wanted; casual acceptance of his and Jason's relationship. It was so surreal to hear someone call Jason his boyfriend and not have to defend himself and lie that he was straight. He looks up to Jason. He's met with the same dreamy pair of ocean eyes he fell in love with all those years ago. 

"You're not allowed to call me baby either" Jason quietly scolds. 

"Whatever you say, baby" Peter coos. Both boys giggle and to Peter’s surprise, Jason kisses him. Its a chaste kiss, lasting no longer than a second, but it was something. His parents both tense up a little, their faces screwing up in disgust, but Jason doesn’t care. This was the life he'd always dreamed of. 

Breakfast went off without a hitch. Peter felt a bit awkward, but other than that, it was perfect. Jason’s parents almost refuse to acknowledge that Peter is there, but that’s part of the experience. Acceptance won’t come automatically, he just has to deal with it. Peter knows that eventually, Jasons parents would warm up to him. Maybe it would take months or years, but Jason is worth it. 

It was Liz's job to wash the dishes afterward. Peter helped her carry the dishes to the sink and as he was about to head upstairs to join Jason, Liz speaks up. 

"You know, I'm not the crazy drug addict my family has you thinking I am. I snuck out one time during freshman year. My parents got so pissed and turned me into some demon child to scare Jason and Nadia from doing the same things. I don't want you to think I'm the antichrist, Peter. I don't want you to hate me like Jason and Nadia do." She says quietly. 

"I don’t think you’re the antichrist, Liz. And I especially don’t hate you, I think you’re cool. I’m pretty sure Jason and Nadia don’t either. They’ve both just been going through a lot these past couple years. It’s hard to have a close relationship with someone when you’re hiding something so big about yourself. " he replies. The two of them share a smile before Peter ventures up the stairs to join Jason in his room. 

Once Peter is back in Jason’s room, Jason is already in bed and under the covers. He wordlessly beckons Peter to join him, so he does. Peter crawls across Jason and snakes his arms around Jason’s waist. 

"This is what your career should be. You should be a professional cuddler.”

“Are you a cuddle enthusiast now?" Peter jokes.

"No. I just think you give the best cuddles," Jason muses, "maybe I'll just be your trophy husband. I can stay home and water the plants and feed our dog while you work and make money to furnish my lavish lifestyle." 

"So you wanna be my husband one day?" Peter coaxes. They talked about marriage often when they were at St. Cecilia’s, but it still made Peter’s heart skip a beat when Jason talks about marrying him. 

"That’s the plan. If we're gonna be together forever we may as well get married and get the tax benefits... Plus I really want to take your last name." Jason smiles. Peter presses a kiss to his hair and holds the curly-haired boy close. 

"Jason Simmonds. It has a nice ring to it." 

"Yeah. Its nice... sounds better than Jason McConnell." 

"I like Jason McConnell, but I have to admit, Jason Simmonds is superior." 

Peter breathes in the moment. He's in the McConnells house, holding the boy he loved so much, musing with him about their marriage. Everything was so chaotic and confusing, but the world stopped turning for a moment. Peter and Jason were far from being OK, but they'd found safety in this moment together. They’ve done a lot of that recently. Jason wasn’t always in good spirits like this. Jason was depressed and gloomy and usually didn’t talk much. Every once in a while, Jason would get little moments of feeling OK and neither of them took that for granted. Both boys knew that they had a long road of healing and recovery ahead of them, but they needed moments like this. It was these short bursts of serenity that assured them that things would eventually go back to normal and be ok. 

+++

Jason had his first therapy appointment later that day. He’d met with a crisis counselor a few times in the hospital, but today was his first meeting with his regular counselor at their local hospital’s behavioral clinic. The counseling office wasn’t too far of a drive from their home. Jason’s mom opted to drive him leaving Peter and Nadia home alone. 

The counseling center waiting room has the same energy as a hospital, just a bit more colorful. The chairs were too stiff and the air was thick with the smell of antiseptic. From the moment Jason stepped out of the elevator, he wanted to leave. He was uncomfortable and scared. As his mom signed him in at the front desk, Jason anxiously took in the waiting room. He felt like his skin was crawling. His chest was tight and he couldn’t get enough air into his lungs. Jason didn’t want to be here. He wanted to be back at home, cuddled up with Peter, ignoring all of their problems and pretending that everything was fine. He didn’t want to talk about anything, especially not his suicide attempt. He didn’t want to talk about being outed or getting Ivy pregnant; he’s trying his best to forget about all of that. 

Melanie beckons Jason to sit on a couch next to her. He sits next to her and rests his head on her shoulder. He doesn’t want to talk. Talking about it makes it real again. He doesn’t want to relive it. He just wants to forget about it all and go back to how things were before Christmas. Everything was fine. He had a lovely boyfriend, a good set of friends, and a secret that was secure. That was all gone now. His deepest secret was out for the entire world to know. One of his best friends had outed him and the other had sold him the drugs he used to kill himself; there isn’t a way for those relationships not to be awkward. Peter and him were boyfriends again but their relationship wasn’t the same. They were both walking on eggshells around each other. How is a therapist going to help him with all of this? Is she going to erase the fact that he got outed? Is she going to fix his relationship with Peter and his friendship with Ivy? Jason refuses to believe that talking can help with any of this. 

Although Jason refuses to believe this will help him, he goes along with it. Peter and Nadia acted so proud that he was going and he couldn’t let them down. He didn’t have to talk, he just had to show up. So when he gets called back into his therapist’s office, he had his mind set on the fact that he won’t talk. He’ll say the bare minimum until the hour is over then he will go home and repeat next week. He’s surprised when he leaves the session crying. He can’t quite put a finger on the reason he’s crying, but he is. The first twenty minutes went just as planned. Jason said the absolute bare minimum, but then his therapist asked about Peter. He started talking about their past and the rest of the story gushed out of him. He doesn’t even realize how long he’s been talking till hes telling the therapist about his conversation with Ivy in the hospital. 

His mom doesn’t ask him any question when he re-enters the waiting room, tears streaming down his face. She simply pulls him close lets him cry into her shoulder. He feels so vulnerable crying in the middle of a waiting room but his mom is comforting him and that is rare. He cries for a moment longer and then pulls away, wipes his eyes, and takes a deep breath. 

“Ready to go home,” Melanie asks. Jason simply nods and follows her towards the elevator. The drive home is quiet. Even if Jason wanted to say something, he didn’t have the energy to. He leans his head against the window and watches the trees and houses whiz by.   
Back at home, Peter and Nadia are lounging in the living room. Peter’s nose is buried in a book and Nadia’s eyes are glued to the TV. Once Jason enters the living room, their heads whip towards him. 

“How was it?” Peter asks, outstretching his hand, beckoning Jason to come to him. Jason walks over and sits next to him on the long leather couch. He leans his head against Peter’s shoulder and sighs. 

“It was fine” Jason shrugs. 

“Just fine?” Nadia asks. 

“Just fine” Jason clarifies, “I just want to sleep now.” 

“Then just sleep. Do you want to go take a nap in your room or should I just get you a blanket and you can sleep on the couch.” Peter asks. 

“I’ll sleep upstairs... Come with me please?” 

“Ok. Are you sure that you don’t want some space? Sometimes therapy takes it out of you.” 

“I just want to cuddle with you” Jason replies. He pulls the same puppy dog eyes Peter knows all too well. He notices the exhaustion and tears stains in the corner of Jason’s eyes. Peter cups his cheek in his hand and places a soft kiss on his forehead. 

“Ok. Let’s go cuddle then.” Peter smiles. Nadia and Peter meet eyes for a moment and Nadia mouths ‘take good care of him’. Peter replies by mouthing “I will.” Peter helps Jason up from the couch and takes his hand, leading them up to Jason’s room. As soon as they reach Jason’s room, Jason collapses onto the bed, burying his face into a pillow. 

“Are you sure you don’t want to talk about anything. You can tell me anything.” 

“I’m just tired.” Jason mumbles. 

“Ok. Let’s sleep then.” Peter joins Jason on the bed and drapes a throw blanket over the both of them. Jason cuddles close to Peter and rests his head on his chest. Peter laces his fingers through Jason’s hair and kisses his forehead. 

“I’m really proud of you for going to therapy today” Peter whispers into Jason’s hair, “Going to therapy is hard and I’m so proud of you for taking that step. I love you.” Jason doesn’t have the energy to reply so he simply places a kiss to Peter’s collarbone. 

Jason sleeps for hours in Peter’s arms. Eventually, Peter falls asleep too. He can’t remember the last time he slept peacefully, let alone the last time he woke up to Jason peppering his face with kisses. 

“Hi” Peter smiles. 

“Good morning” Jason replies. 

“You’re feeling better I assume” Peter chuckles. He reaches behind him to grab his glasses off Jason’s bedside table. 

“Yeah. I still feel kinda low but sleep definitely helped.” 

“I’m glad you’re feeling better,” Peter says. He reaches up and cups Jasons cheek in his hand. 

“I love you” Jason grins. He inches closer so their noses are touching. 

“I love you more,” Peter says cockily. 

“Is that a challenge?” Jason coaxes, raising his eyebrows cockily. Peter rolls his eyes and places his lips against Jason’s. Jason kisses back and runs his fingers through Peter’s hair. Peter laughs into the kiss and wraps his arms around Jason’s neck. Time stops and Jason feels weightless. He feels the puzzle pieces slotting into place again. He remembers why he wants to stay alive. He wants to stay alive because he never wants to give up clumsy, giggly makeout sessions with a boy he loved so much, the boy he’s falling in love with all over again. He’s just about to cry when Peter pulls away. 

“You are so cute,” Peter says as he pulls away. He smiles and then notices the tears welling in Jason’s eyes. “Oh my god, are you ok?” 

“Im fine” Jason laughs. “I-I’m just so happy. I’ve missed this… I’ve missed you. ” 

“You’re so perfect” Peter smiles. Peter kisses him again, this time slower and more gentle. His lips brush against Jason’s softly, barely touching them, which leaves Jason breathless. Jason idly plays with Peter’s hair as he kisses him. Peter whispers a quiet ‘I love you’ in between soft and tender kisses and then moves his kisses from Jason’s lips to his cheekbones, his forehead, and the tip of his nose. 

“Can we just stay like this forever” Jason quietly asks. 

“Forever?” Peter replies.

“Forever. No more school or anything. Just come move in with me and we can stay here forever.” 

“I’ll stay with you as long as you let me.” Jason smiles and reaches his finger out to trace the galaxy of freckles that littered Peter’s cheeks. 

“I know that being with me isn’t easy but thank you for sticking with me” Jason whispers. 

“Y’know Jase, I visited you a lot while you were in a coma. I would go and sit by you and hold your hand and just talk to you. I would just talk and talk and let the words come out of my mouth without even thinking about it. I remember telling you a lot that I was on your team and that I would always fight for you. That’s still true. I’ll always be on your team. I will always fight for you because I love you. I would do anything for you, Jason. Forever you and I mean forever. Through thick and through thin, you’re my future. You’re my soulmate. I want to spend the rest of my life with you. I know there will be ups and downs. I’m not easy to be with either, but we’re a team. I love you” Peter replies. 

“You are so sappy,” Jason says as he wipes a small tear from his cheek. Peter simply smiles and kisses the tip of his nose.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Thanks for reading! I promise that there will be more of the other characters in the coming chapters. Thank you for the support you give on this fic, it means a lot to me.


	11. Open The Curtains

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Alternate title: Nobody knows how to cope with their emotions and Peter just wants to fix everything.

It wasn't that Ivy didn't want to talk to anyone. She wanted to talk to her friends, she just couldn't. She didn't have the energy. God knows how long since its been since shes opened the curtains in her bedroom or left her bed for longer than to go to the bathroom. Her hair was in the same braids it was in a week ago and she used chewing gum as a replacement for brushing her teeth for three days. It was pitiful, she knew that, but she just couldn’t get up. 

It was four-thirty in the afternoon when Peter knocked on her bedroom door. Both of her parents were off at work and she was home alone. Ivy never minded Peter letting himself in, in fact, she enjoyed it. Having Peter was like having a nice older brother. But today, she felt so worn out. She didn’t want to talk to Peter. She didn’t want to talk to anyone. She let him knock against her door a few times before she told him to come in. He was dressed in jeans and a t-shirt, bring a strong contrast to Ivy's stained nightshirt and running shorts. 

"Hey, Iv," Peter said softly. He sat on the edge of her bed and placed his hand on her shoulder. 

"Hey" she replied quietly. 

"Are you doing OK?" he asks. 

"Im fine" 

"I know you're not fine, Ivy, I just wanted to see if you would admit it or not. We need to figure something out. At least let me open your curtains." 

"What is opening the curtains going to fix" Ivy snapped. She doesn’t mean to snap, but it just comes out.  
"I don’t know but a little bit of natural light always helps me get into a better headspace." 

"Fine. Open the curtains." Peter opens the curtains and takes a moment to look at what a mess Ivy's room is. There are clothes strewn everywhere. Drawers were left open with their contents cascading over the edges. The distinct bath and body works smell the room once had was gone. After Peter surveys the room, he takes a minute to look at Ivy. Her hair is a mess. The dark bags under her eyes are about to engulf her entire face and her lips are chapped. 

"If you want, I can help you tidy up your room a bit. I can do a couple of loads of laundry and vacuum and stuff. I could also throw away all those empty water bottles that are in water bottle graveyard on your bedside table" He says as he returns to the side of her bed. 

"These are my emotional support empty water bottles, thank you very much" Ivy jokes, not breaking a smile.

"C'mon Ivy. Let me help you out a little bit." 

"Peter I don't need help. Im fine." 

"Ivy I may be dumb, but I'm not an idiot. We've been best friends since, like, birth, and I know when something is wrong. Im not even asking you to talk about it, I'm just telling you that it might help you feel better to have a tidy room. You should seize this opportunity because never again in my lifetime will I offer to clean your bedroom." 

"You can clean my room all you want, Peter," Ivy huffs, "I just want to sleep." 

"OK, take a nap. I'll listen to some nice, calm music and tidy up a bit." Ivy nods in reply and pulls the blanket over her head as Peter gets to work. First, he opens the windows and lights a candle. Then he sorts all the laundry from the floor and puts a load in the washing machine. He folds the clothes that lay askew in drawers and tidies up the top of her dresser. He throws away all of the empty water bottles from her bedside table. He plugs in her phone and straightens the books on her shelf. Peter knows that cleaning her room won’t fix anything, but he knows it will help her feel better. All he wants is for her to feel better.  
Once he's done cleaning, Peter lounges on the beanbag in the corner of Ivy's room. He sits patiently, waiting for her to wake up. It’s hard to see her like this. It’s hard to see her hurt like this. Peter is hurting too, but hes able to function, unlike Ivy who hasn't left the house since she got back from visiting Jason. He wishes he knew how to help. He’s been by Ivy’s side his entire life but he’s never seen her like this. He just wants her to feel better. That’s what Peter does. He makes people feel better. He’s the strong one.  
Ivy wakes up thirty minutes later. She meets Peter’s eyes from across the room then buries her face in her pillow. 

“Have you eaten today Ivy?” He asks. 

“‘M not hungry” 

“Im going to take that as a no. What do you want to eat? Can I make you something or do you want to get takeout? We can try out that new Chinese place down the road.” 

“Why are you here, Peter? Do you not understand what leave me alone means.” Ivy jeers.” 

“I just don’t want you feeling sad. I want to help.” Peter replies. Ivy sits up and scowls at him.  
“How do you think you’re going to help Peter? You’re just going to walk in here and open my curtains and light a candle and then suddenly I’ll be good as new? I’m not your charity case. How are you supposed to fix that I just had a fucking abortion because of your dumb little boyfriend or that everyone from school is texting me calling me a whore? How can you fix that, Peter? God, just leave me alone!” Ivy sneers, hot tears rolling down her face. Peter is speechless. Ivy has never talked to him like this. He knows that sadness does crazy things to people, but he hates this. He can see the remainder of the girl he grew up within her eyes. The girl he swung on the swingset with and colored with in church was still there, buried beneath deep-rooted sorrow, shame, and guilt. 

“Ivy... I-” Peter begins.

“Stop. Just, stop” Ivy replies. He doesn’t say anything else, he just gets up and goes. If she needs space, he’ll give he space. He takes his jacket from the desk chair he draped it over ad walks out the door.  
“Wait” he hears Ivy yell once he’s halfway down the stairs, “please come back.” So he does. He reenters her room and her expression has changed completely. The scorn and anger in her face had softened into sadness and desperation. Peter doesn’t say anything. He leans up against the doorframe and waits for Ivy to say something. 

“I didn’t mean that. I’m sorry. I need you, Peter, I just-” she is engulfed with tears before she can finish. She buries her face in her palms as a sob racks through her body. Peter joins her on the bed and wraps a comforting arm around her. Ivy leans against his shoulder and cries, and he lets her. Peter lets her cry until she has no tears left. 

“Everything just hurts so bad. I don’t even feel like myself anymore” she whimpers. Peter doesn’t know what to say, so he squeezes her a little tighter and kisses the top of her head. “I’m sorry for yelling at you.”  
“It’s OK. If I were in your shoes I would yell at me too.” 

“You don’t deserve to be yelled at. You’re my best friend who is just trying to help. You’re all I have right now Peter. Everyone else thinks I’m a slut. I have a lot going on right now and I have no idea how to deal with any of it.” 

“You’re not a slut. If it makes you feel better, you’re all I have too. Everyone else on the planet knows I’m gay and that doesn’t sit well with the Catholics.” 

“What did we ever do to deserve this?” Ivy asks. 

“Get involved with Jason McConnell,” Peter says jokingly, and to his surprise, Ivy laughs. 

“Damn him and his pretty blue eyes and wavy hair” she giggles, wiping the tears from her cheek. 

“Tell me about it” Peter chuckles. He squeezes Ivy tight and kisses the top of her head again. This wasn’t odd for them. After 17 years of friendship, platonic affection became something normal to them. 

“Can I make you some food?” Peter asks. 

“I’d actually rather take you up on the offer of ordering takeout from that new place”

The take-out isn’t that good, but Ivy drives with him to pick it up, and that’s the first time she’s left the house in two weeks. Peter changes the sheers on her bed and they spend the rest of the day binge-watching Glee. He even convinces her to take a shower and sits on her bathroom counter and talks to her while she braids her hair. One alright day doesn’t mean that Ivy is automatically healed, but its a step in the right direction. 

Peter spends the night at Ivy’s house on the couch in her room. He did this often, Ivy’s parents would often even refer to that as his bed. The Robinson’s home was truly his home away from home and always would be.


	12. Changes Pt 1

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Hello! I've written this chapter over and over about 10 million times and it's still not perfect or how I would like it. It is a bit rusty writing-wise but I feel like the storyline is still there. So I'm sorry if this chapter isn't as good as the other ones I just couldn't get it quite right. I also didn't want to overstep and write about things that I hadn't experienced firsthand and offend someone. Also, this chapter was originally supposed to be much longer but I decided to split it for some reason. But THANK YOU for continuing to support this fic! It means so much. 
> 
> TW: talk of suicide

Peter was back with the McConnells after spending a few days back at home. He was needed here with Jason more than he was needed at home. It had been al alright day. Nothing too out of the ordinary. Jason was still struggling. The two boys and Nadia spent most of the day lounging in Jason’s room in a thick silence as the TV droned on the background; Peter and Jason cuddling on the bed and Nadia on the chair in the corner. Mrs. McConnell sat living room still in udder oblivion on how to help her son or hold her family together. 

It was three in the morning and Jason hadn't slept a wink. Don't get it wrong, he was exhausted. His body was heavy. He'd kicked all the blankets off the and yet he was still covered in sweat. Fuck, he just wanted to sleep...but he couldn't. Peter was laying next to him, fast asleep. For years, Peter had always made it a point to make sure that he went to sleep after Jason. Ever since he started living at St. Cecilia's, sleep wasn't something that came easy to him. Being the amazing boyfriend that he was, Peter always stayed up with Jason till he'd fallen asleep, singing songs under his breath and running his fingers through Jason’s hair. Tonight, Jason did a good job of pretending. Peter was just about as exhausted as Jason was and it didn’t take him long to fall asleep once he thought Jason was asleep as well, leaving Jason alone with his thoughts. That wasn’t a good thing at all.

The past week hadn't been easy, but it was survivable. Jason's body was weak. He spent most of his days in bed or laying on the couch. Even when his body was strong enough to do things such as take a trip to the grocery store or go on a walk, he couldn’t do it. He was exhausted. If his sleeping habits were bad before, they were horrendous now. He cant remember the last time he slept through the night.

Sometimes, it was dreaming that woke him up. Dreams where he's back in a coma or where he relives the night he's outed or the night of the play. The worst of these dreams are the dreams where Peter leaves him. Every time he lays in bed, he dreads the sleep that is to come knowing that horrible dreams are waiting for him. His mind is moving too fast for him to keep up with. His thoughts are racing and none of them are good. His brain is screaming at him and he's honestly surprised that Peter can’t hear the calamity going on right beside him. Out of all the thoughts floating around in Jason’s head, one word sticks out. Guilty. Jason is guilty. Everything that has ruined his friend’s lives in the past five months could be linked back to him. He had gotten Ivy pregnant and then broken her heart, leaving her emotionally scarred. He'd made his family and the people he loved the most watch him nearly die. Everything was Jason's fault. 

The idea of committing suicide wasn’t always completely foreign to Jason. He'd be lying if he said he'd never thought about it before. For years there were nights when he felt like his family would be better off without him. There were times when he would think too deeply about how much he could ruin his family by just being himself. The urge to kill himself had always been there but he'd never acted upon it. He always decided to stay for Nadia and Peter. When he did attempt, it was because he felt like the only way for his friends and family to be happy again was for him to be gone. Once he'd woken up from his coma, those thoughts stayed with him. It was easy to quiet them down when he was surrounded by so much love. With parents fawning over him, rekindling his bond with Nadia, and being back together with Peter, life was manageable. Things were harder when it was quiet and he was alone. When there was no one there to stop him from spiraling, that’s all he does. He doesn't know when he started crying but there are salty tears are rolling down his face. He listens to Peters’s heartbeat as he lays against his chest. Peter was so perfect. He didn’t deserve someone like Jason. Jason can’t help but feel like its inevitable that he'll hurt Peter again. One day, once all the newness and happiness of him being alive wears off and things go back to normal, Peter will realize that he deserves so much better. Peter will realize that Jason will never be the same boy he met in 6th grade. One day in the future, Jason could lose Peter. 

Jason McConnell had decided that his name was synonymous with the term 'fuck-up'. He was the root of the problem. He was the one responsible for hurting his friends. The memories of seeing Peter and Nadia's faces for the first time once he woke up from his coma flashed through his mind. They both seemed so happy. But why? All he did was hurt them. He knows that it would devastate Nadia and Peter for him to attempt suicide again. He knows that; but did they not realize how much he was hurting them?

Jason had thought about suicide since he'd attempted, but until now, he'd never had the urge to attempt again. Once he realized that he genuinely wanted to try it again, he panicked. What if he lost control and ended up killing himself. God, he really didn’t want to die. He quietly untangled himself from Peters’s arms and snuck out from under the covers. Usually, Peter was a light sleeper but tonight, he didn’t even stir. Jason made his way to the bathroom and closed the door behind him.

He really shouldn’t be alone right now. He's not in a good headspace and who knows whether or not he'll make a stupid decision. Jason knows that the right decision to make in this situation is to go wake up Peter. He knows that he shouldn’t be alone, especially at night. He knows these things and yet he stays in the bathroom by himself. He takes a look at himself in the mirror. There are tears cascading down his face and his hair is unruly. The cut on his forehead from falling that he's had for weeks is still there, a constant reminder of the past. He chokes out a sob as he sees the boy staring back at him. Imagine if his peers could see him now. Varsity lacrosse star, Jason McConnell, crying in the bathroom at 3 am, weaker than he's ever been. He feels like broken china being held together by scotch tape, ready to fall apart at the slightest touch. He didn’t want this. All he wanted was to be with Peter. He just wants to be happy with Peter, and yet here he is, spiraling out of control and dragging Peter down with him. Jason covers his mouth as a sob hiccup out of him. He's panicking. He feels like he's losing control and there’s nothing he can do to stop it. Everything is falling apart (not that it was ever back together). He jumps at the sudden knock at the door. Shit.

"Hey. You OK?" Its Peters’s voice.

"Come in" Jason sobs. Peter opens the door and steps into the bathroom with Jason. Jason can’t even bring himself to look up at him.

"Are you OK? Well, obviously you're not but are you in any danger? Tell me what’s going on. Do I need to go get Nadia or your parents or call an ambulance" Peter sputters? He's talking so fast and Jason is crying so hard that he can barely understand what hes saying. 

"Im fine. I don't need an ambulance. I didn't try and do anything stupid" Jason hiccups. Peter pulls the sleeves of his sweater over his hands and wipes the tears from Jason’s cheeks.

"Do you want me to get someone? I can get your parents or Nadia or we can call a helpline or-" 

"No," Jason says quickly, "don’t get anyone. I just-I just want you."

"OK. I'm right here," Peter assures, "let’s take some deep breaths. Try and copy my breath." Peter learned this technique the night of Jason’s suicide attempt. A police officer had taught it to him when he was panicking in the front office. Peter places his forehead against Jason’s, one hand on the nape of his neck, the other on his hip. Jason closes his eyes, refusing to even look at Peter. He does his best to match Peters’s breathing patterns. His breaths were shaky and uneven, but they were slowing down. 

"Do you want to go sit on the bed? I can get you some water if you want or if you'd prefer tea-" 

"Let’s just sit on the bed" Jason sniffles. He may have calmed his breathing but tears are still streaming down his face. 

"OK." Once they’re sat back on Jason’s bed, Jason looks at Peters’s face for the first time. He's crying too.

"I'm so sorry" Jason apologized, a sob rising in his chest. All he wanted in his life was for Peter to be happy and yet its three in the morning and Jason has made him cry.

"Hey, no. It’s not your fault" Peter quickly assures him. 

"Yes, it is Peter. I'm not stupid. All I do is fuck things up. I'm so sorry. You deserve so much better than this." 

"No. Jason looks at me," Peter says sternly. Jason looks up to him. His tired green eyes are filled with tears. Peter reaches up to wipe Jason’s tears again.   
"I love you, Jason. I know I tell you that all the time but it’s true. I need you to know that. I'm not mad at you, Jason. I'm not upset with you. You aren’t hurting me. It just sucks to see you like this. It fucking hurts to see you in pain. It hurts to know that the world has been so terrible to you that you feel like the only way you can be happy is to end your life. I'm upset that we got the short end of the stick and ended up at a Catholic boarding school where all the odds were stacked against us. I'm upset that we can’t just be happy together without having to jump through all these extra hoops. I hate that we have had to hide for so long. I'm angry at the world. I'm angry at God. I'm angry at so much but I'm not angry with you at all, Jason. None of this is your fault. I wish I could make you hurt less. I wish that I could take this all away from you. I wish that we could just be in love without the entire fucking earth being against us. I wish we could just wake up and be happy. Jason, please just know that I love you. I love you more than you will ever know. All I want is for you to be happy. Tell me what’s going on, Jase. Talk to me. Let me help you. We're in this together, you know. I'm on your team, Jason." Peter wipes Jason's tears away once more and then wipes away his own. Jason takes a deep breath and lets everything off his chest. 

"I feel like I want to kill myself again" Jason admits. Peter nods for him to go on. "I don’t want to die. I want to stay alive and be here with you and Nadia and Ivy. I just can’t get these thoughts to go away. I feel like all I do is let you down. That’s all I can think about. All that I can ever think about is how much I'm dragging you guys down with me. I have these thoughts that convince me that the only way that you guys can be happy is if I'm gone. I'm scared one day I'm going to lose control of myself and do something that I regret." 

"Jason" Peter sighs, reaching up to cup Jason's jaw in his palm. 

“I don’t know what to do. I just want to hold you and sleep but I can’t sleep no matter what I do-” 

“Well you can still hold me,” Peter says optimistically. Jason doesn’t hesitate to wrap his arms around Peter’s neck and melt into him. 

“I think we need to go and talk to your parents, Jase” Peter whispers against his curls. 

“No. Please no” Jason says quickly, “we’ll tell them tomorrow but please not now. Please just let me be with you for a bit. I promise I won’t try and do anything stupid. If I have to I’ll even go get Nadia and she can watch us all night and make sure I don’t leave this bed.” 

“Jason-” 

“Please, Peter,” Jason begs. 

“OK, but we have to talk to them tomorrow.” 

“I promise we will. I just want to cuddle with you. As long as you're with me I won't do anything I regret. Let’s just stay here till the morning and when my mom and dad wake up we can tell them what’s happening and figure something out." 

"OK. Let’s cuddle." 

"You're big spoon" Jason added as he untangles his arms from around Peter’s neck and laid down against his pillow. 

"I'm always big spoon" Peter replies. He pulls Jason close and plants a kiss atop his messy bush of curls as Jason pulls his duvet over top of them.

"It’s going to be OK, Jason" Peter whispers, "We're going to get our happily ever after. I'll make sure of it. We just need to give it time." It didn’t take Jason long to fall asleep. His thoughts were still racing but his body was so exhausted that he simply couldn't stay awake anymore. Peter didn't go back to sleep. He stayed awake, holding Jason close and listening to his breath. He didn’t want Jason to wake up and feel alone again. When the morning came and Jason woke up, Peter was still laying awake next to him. There were still dried tear tracks running down Jason's face. 

"Good morning, love," Peter says softly.

"Love. That’s a cute pet name" Jason says quietly. 

"I've always called you love, love." Peter chuckles. 

"I haven't heard you call me that in months. I've missed it... a lot."

"I love you" Peter replied. 

"I love you too," Jason says weakly. They lay together in silence for another moment. 

"What’s on your mind, Jase?" Peter asks.

"I'm just scared to talk to my parents and really exhausted. I have no energy or motivation or anything. I just want to lay here with you forever and not think anymore." 

"Well I don't think you can lay with me forever but you can lay here with me for a while. We can lay here all day if you want." 

"That’s what I want. I want to lay here with you all day." 

"You're so perfect, Jason. I love you" Peter whispers, placing a kiss on top of Jason's head. Jason doesn't respond, but Peter knows that he loves him too. He's so weak. He's so tired. Peter wishes there was something more he could do to help him. They stay in bed together for two more hours. Peter hums songs as Jason falls in and out of sleep. Every once in a while, Peter will kiss the top of Jason's head or his shoulder. 

"We need to get up" Jason eventually says. 

"It hasn't been all day." 

"I know, but I really need to talk to my mom about what happened last night. I can’t have anymore middle of the night suicidal episodes. I don't want to go through that anymore and I don't want to put you through that anymore. We need to figure something out." 

"OK. Let’s go talk to your mom and get things sorted out." Peter untangles himself from Jason, grabs his glasses from the bedside table, and walks to Jason's side of the bed to help him up. 

"Can I have a kiss?" Jason asks quietly. 

"Of course. I will always kiss you" Peter smiles. He leans forward and kisses Jason gently. Jason gives a small smile; it may not look like much, but its something. Peter kisses his nose then takes his hands and leads him downstairs.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> You've made it to the end of this chapter! Hopefully, you enjoyed it. Don't worry, soon there will be more of our girls Nadia and Ivy as well and more Matt and Lucas. Thank you thank you for reading this fic! See ya next chapter!


	13. Update!

hi gang! first of all, i wanted to say sorry for just dropping off the face of the earth. i know how annoying that can be, especially in fandoms with so little fanfic content. anyways, i wanted to let you know i’m going to be continuing arms unfolding! im moving this week so it won’t be right away but in the next few weeks there will be more chapters of this fic! thank you for your support, it truly means so much. i’m so excited to get back to this story !

**Works inspired by this one:**

  * [Are You There God? It’s Me, Peter](https://archiveofourown.org/works/22250437) by [BeMoreBoyf](https://archiveofourown.org/users/BeMoreBoyf/pseuds/BeMoreBoyf)


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